Wednesday, November 04, 2009
You talkin' to me?
Teens and parents can benefit when they work to better communicate with one another.
On the first day of kindergarten most kids are clinging to their mothers' hands. By the first day of high school, they are ready to leave Mom at the curb.
So what happened? How do parents go from being a childhood confidante to antiquated authoritarians capable of ruining their teen's life?
"It might be about expectations," said Stephanie Pratola, a licensed clinical psychologist in Salem.
With TV shows such as "Gilmore Girls" showing a mother-daughter relationship more closely resembling the living arrangements of two best friends, it may be easy for teens to get frustrated in the real world with parents who are throwing curfew rules at them as they head out the door, rather than the keys to the family car.
Frazier Howes, 17, a senior at Cave Spring High School, said he identified a shift in his relationship with his parents, especially as he has gotten older and the generation gap began to impede his communication with them.
Howes said he finds that one barrier in the relationship is when his parents "only hear half of the story."
He said he feels that sometimes "they don't take time to hear me out."
In response, his dad, Andre, said, "I've been in those ditches before and I'm just trying to keep you out of them."
Pratola said, "The important thing for a teenager ... is that they be listened to and feel like they're heard."
Brett Snyder, 15, who is home-schooled in Roanoke County, said he sometimes finds it difficult to share things with his parents when they tend to lecture him with too much information.
Pratola, a mother herself, said that "parents are used to 'tell me what the problem is and I'll tell you what to do.' This can result in lecturing, which, to a teenager, can translate something as negative when their parent meant it as informational."
Pratola said that one way to help communication between teens and parents is to make time to communicate.
She said that among school, work and extracurricular activities, "teens can get very programmed and scheduled." However, "if communicating in your family is important, then you have to have time."
It takes a routine to make sure that communication is ongoing and positive so that "when something comes up and you really need to have that relationship, you have that history there to count on," she said.
Here are other tips that can help teens and parents better communicate.
That is when teens are going to react with their own role, which is to test their parents. It's a process that helps them figure out "in what ways they're like their family, in what ways they're not," she said.
"Some tests will work out really great, but the ones you'll learn from the most are the ones that don't work," Pratola said. It's then the parents' job to stay in touch, to "keep orbiting around their adolescents enough to be there when they're needed," while still allowing enough room for growth.
Vicky Snyder, Brett's mom, remembers when she was a teen and her own parents' interests seemed "light-years away" from hers.
Now, with teenagers of her own, the roles have been reversed.
She's found that "it's about getting involved in their interests, even if it's not something you would usually do," whether that means playing video games with her son or going shopping with her 13-year-old daughter, Cassie.
It's through interactions such as these that "people pick up vibes from one another, whether it's sharing an activity or simply sharing space," Pratola said, and that is how communication is built.
While good communication may be a challenge at times for families, Pratola points out that studies show that teens with high levels of communication with their parents are less likely to be involved in risky behavior such as drinking, driving without a seat belt and unprotected sex.
"Whether it's comfortable and happy or uncomfortable and difficult," Pratola said, communication is worth investing in because it is "a protective factor in the lives of young adults."
So what happened? How do parents go from being a childhood confidante to antiquated authoritarians capable of ruining their teen's life?
"It might be about expectations," said Stephanie Pratola, a licensed clinical psychologist in Salem.
With TV shows such as "Gilmore Girls" showing a mother-daughter relationship more closely resembling the living arrangements of two best friends, it may be easy for teens to get frustrated in the real world with parents who are throwing curfew rules at them as they head out the door, rather than the keys to the family car.
Frazier Howes, 17, a senior at Cave Spring High School, said he identified a shift in his relationship with his parents, especially as he has gotten older and the generation gap began to impede his communication with them.
Howes said he finds that one barrier in the relationship is when his parents "only hear half of the story."
He said he feels that sometimes "they don't take time to hear me out."
In response, his dad, Andre, said, "I've been in those ditches before and I'm just trying to keep you out of them."
Pratola said, "The important thing for a teenager ... is that they be listened to and feel like they're heard."
Brett Snyder, 15, who is home-schooled in Roanoke County, said he sometimes finds it difficult to share things with his parents when they tend to lecture him with too much information.
Pratola, a mother herself, said that "parents are used to 'tell me what the problem is and I'll tell you what to do.' This can result in lecturing, which, to a teenager, can translate something as negative when their parent meant it as informational."
Pratola said that one way to help communication between teens and parents is to make time to communicate.
She said that among school, work and extracurricular activities, "teens can get very programmed and scheduled." However, "if communicating in your family is important, then you have to have time."
It takes a routine to make sure that communication is ongoing and positive so that "when something comes up and you really need to have that relationship, you have that history there to count on," she said.
Here are other tips that can help teens and parents better communicate.
- Be honest. "It's really hard to gain trust again," Pratola said.
- Be proactive. "Don't wait until you get in trouble to try and get them [parents] to listen to you," Pratola said. If there is going to be a problem, be the one to bring it up.
- Know your role. It can be hard for parents to find the balance between being their child's friend and being their authority. "There are times when parents have to be parents, and that is going to make kids mad," she said.
That is when teens are going to react with their own role, which is to test their parents. It's a process that helps them figure out "in what ways they're like their family, in what ways they're not," she said.
"Some tests will work out really great, but the ones you'll learn from the most are the ones that don't work," Pratola said. It's then the parents' job to stay in touch, to "keep orbiting around their adolescents enough to be there when they're needed," while still allowing enough room for growth.
- Share.
Vicky Snyder, Brett's mom, remembers when she was a teen and her own parents' interests seemed "light-years away" from hers.
Now, with teenagers of her own, the roles have been reversed.
She's found that "it's about getting involved in their interests, even if it's not something you would usually do," whether that means playing video games with her son or going shopping with her 13-year-old daughter, Cassie.
It's through interactions such as these that "people pick up vibes from one another, whether it's sharing an activity or simply sharing space," Pratola said, and that is how communication is built.
While good communication may be a challenge at times for families, Pratola points out that studies show that teens with high levels of communication with their parents are less likely to be involved in risky behavior such as drinking, driving without a seat belt and unprotected sex.
"Whether it's comfortable and happy or uncomfortable and difficult," Pratola said, communication is worth investing in because it is "a protective factor in the lives of young adults."
