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Attention, Americans: Your republic is up for sale, right down to its time-honored liberties, common sense and fiscal solvency. And you - yes, you - can buy a piece.

But don't delay. You must act soon to take advantage of these bargains. This sale ends Nov. 2. Election day. What a coincidence, huh?

And such deals. For the low, low price of your votes, your political leaders in Washington will make shiny, short-sighted new policy decisions especially for selected customers. And since real Americans like to feel good today and think about the cost later, you're expected to put off worrying about cherished principles or a bankrupt treasury.

Talk about good terms.

So, do flag-burners steam your shorts? Then Congress has an amendment you'll love. Sure, the issue is as trivial as it is emotional. But with votes at stake, nothing is too trivial for this Congress, and no emotion will be unexploited.

Or maybe you feel icky about same-sex couples, and ickier still about same-sex marriage. Never fear, just let Congress rustle around in its handy Bag o' Bills and see ... well, it just happens to have a marriage-protection amendment. And can you believe it? It's been blessed by the president himself. This is practically a collector's item.

State issue, schmate issue. The customer is always right. Unless the customer is homosexual.

Say, do you like your guns big and scary? The ol' master marketer himself, Tom DeLay, already took care of you. He sat his House majority-leading rump down on the renewal of the assault-weapons ban. Who cares what the police think? What do they know about murder rates?

But maybe you simply want to vote for God and against terrorism. The Republicans are selling a line of prevarications created just for you. Did you know the Democrats plan to ban the Bible? Did you know a vote for John Kerry is a vote for Osama bin-Laden?

Wow. If the more brazen politicians will lie this shamelessly to get your vote, imagine what else they'll do for America.

Finally, if you hate taxes, you'll love this joint White House-Congress offer: A $145.9 billion extension of middle-class tax cuts. Sure, that's a lot of money on top of this year's $420 billion budget deficit. But don't worry. Your kids will pay that.

Still haven't seen what you want? Special orders are welcome. And by the way, all sales are final.