Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Sports columnist Aaron McFarling: Commentary, now with no trans fat!
Aaron McFarling
Recent columns
I have no idea what trans fat is, but it must be pretty darn bad. And pretty darn rare.
In fact, I don't think I've ever sampled trans fat. Every food product I like proudly proclaims that it does not contain this (presumably) harmful ingredient, thereby destroying whatever willpower I might have had.
Me (watching game on TV): Nah, even though I am hungry, I should not consume these potato chips. They provide nothing of value.
Pringles can: Zero grams of trans fat!
Me: Wellll, hey! Why didn't you say so?
(CRUNCH.)
When you can't say anything nice about a product's nutritional qualities, you can always play the zero grams of trans fat card.
This marketing genius is not limited to Trans Fat. Oh, no. When I purchased my first automobile -- a new Ford F-150 at a rock-bottom price -- the newspaper ad trumpeted the only amenity it could.
"Air bag!" screamed the ad, in giant letters, with fancy sunbeam-like shafts projecting from all sides.
Never mind that at the time, air bags were REQUIRED BY LAW in every new vehicle in the state of Maryland.
Hold on. You say you've got a steering wheel, too? AND a windshield? Don't you dare tell me you've got a cup holder or I just might sign over my soul.
But here's the thing: I ate the chips. I bought the truck. Somewhere, deep down, I must have listened.
So in that spirit, here are a few sports marketing suggestions for those who had a rough weekend.
Duke: The snap was good! (Even if the kick wasn't.)
N.C. State: Our stadium rocks! (With pleas for Chuck Amato's head.)
Florida State: What a comeback! (Against Troy.)
Texas: Great drinking school! (To help you forget.)
Northwestern: 1-0 against Division I-A competition! (But 0-1 against Division I-AA New Hampshire.)
Tony Stewart: Defending Nextel Cup champion! (Until this year's Chase is over.)
Dallas Cowboys: Terrell Owens, baby! (And Drew Bledsoe.)
Brett Favre: Still chuckin' it! (To the other team.)
Andy Roddick: Federer's gonna retire! (In about 10 years.)
Virginia: We won! (Against Wyoming. By one point. In overtime. At home.)
OK, we can't just leave that last one alone. Did I read that right in Sunday's paper? Did UVa coach Al Groh actually kinda-sorta compare the missed extra-point against Wyoming to the freakin' Super Bowl? Why yes, I believe he did. Here was the quote:
"I was lucky enough to be a part of a team to win the Super Bowl on a kick on the last play of the game that went right. This one felt almost as good."
Oh, boy. Is that how far the Cavaliers have fallen? Here's an idea: Let's save Super Bowl references for, oh, I don't know, beating Duke. At least that's a conference game.
And even though the Blue Devils are bad, they have zero grams of trans fat. I'm almost sure of it.
