Saturday, September 06, 2008
Meeting of ACC minds proves fact is stranger than fiction
Aaron McFarling
Recent columns
It's late on a Friday night. In a dimly lit cabin in the hinterlands of North Carolina, a dozen men sit on folding chairs that form a semicircle. Another man, his face visible only by flickering candlelight, stands before them. He begins to speak...
"Is that door closed?" the man says. "OK, I think we're ready to begin. Thank you all for coming on short notice. I know you have games to play tomorrow --"
"Hey!" comes a voice from the darkness, interrupting the man. "I thought you said this thing would be catered!"
"Not now, Ralph," says the man. "I promise this won't take long. The reason I've summoned you all is simple: Our image is under siege like never before. Every newspaper, every sports broadcast, every college football fan in the country is calling us out. Frankly, it's up to you 12 guys to stop it. I'm tired of the excuses."
"Sir?" says a voice.
"Yes, David."
"With all due respect, I don't know why I'm here. My team never lost a game in this conference. Our average margin of victory under my leadership is 24 points --"
"Pffft!" comes another voice. "You've played one game! Against JMU! I assure you, you're the same ol' bunch of good-for-nothing "
"Oh, yeah? Who are you to talk, Butch? Your team almost lost to McNeese State last week! And the parachute jumper who was supposed to bring you the game ball must have known how unwatchable your team is, because he dropped in our stadium instead "
"Simple mistake."
"You mean like them hiring you at UNC?"
"Gentlemen! Gentlemen!" says the man at the front of the room. "I know it's difficult, but I'm going to need you to put your differences aside for tonight. This is about the viability of our league, not petty rivalries. So as I was saying, these are dire times..."
"Umm, sir?" comes a voice.
"Yes, Tommy," says the man.
"I think my dad's asleep."
"Please poke him then. This is important."
A rustling in the darkness...
"Hmmp. Wha? Huh? Dadgummit, where am I? Why is it so dark in here?"
"You're at a very important secret meeting, Bobby," says the man at the front of the room. "Please try to show some respect."
"Respect? Buddy, you're talking to the co-leader in all-time NCAA coaching victories. I think I've earned a little respect."
"You have, Bobby. You have," says the man at front of the room. "Now, back to the matter at hand. I want you all to look at something."
The man picks up a large object.
"What's that?" comes a voice.
"This, Tommy," the man says, "is the ACC championship trophy."
"Ooooh. Nice."
"But it might as well be a paperweight right now," says the man. "It's worthless unless we can prove ourselves against the rest of the country in nonconference games."
"Umm, sir?"
"Yes, Randy."
"Can I be excused now?"
"I'm afraid not," says the man. "You've got Florida this weekend, right?"
"Yeah."
"See, that's exactly the kind of game we need to win."
"But how?"
"That's not my job, Randy," says the man. "That's yours."
"Come on!" shouts another voice. "You can't honestly expect him to beat Florida, can you? I mean, Florida's tough!"
"Yeah!" says another voice.
"Yeah!" says another.
"I could beat them," says another, softly.
"Who said that?" says the man at the front of the room.
"I did. I think I could beat them. We just blew out Baylor last week. We're favored over Mississippi at home this week. I've got fifth-year seniors galore. I'd take my chances anywhere."
"See, everyone!" says the man at the front of the room. "Now that's the spirit! Thank you, Jim."
"Whatever," says a voice. "Wake is Wake and will always be Wake."
"Food here yet?" says another.
"We're almost done here," says the man at the front of the room.
He reaches for something on the floor and holds it by candlelight.
"Can anyone tell me what this is?" the man says.
"I'll attempt to provide an accurate response to your inquiry," says a voice. "It appears to be a container of some distinction, embroidered with a symbol on its exterior facing."
"Yes, Al," says the man. "It's a sack with a dollar sign on it. Any guess what's in here?"
"Hopefully some wide receivers," says a voice. "If that's what it is, I'll take four, please."
Laughter erupts in the room.
"Very funny, Frank," says the man. "But no. This is full of cash."
"Ooooooooh!" says the room.
"Do you guys like cash?"
"Yeah!"
"Would you like to keep receiving cash?"
"Yeah!"
"Then get out there and start earning it. I have the utmost faith in each of you."
The 12 men, suddenly invigorated, rise to leave. One turns around.
"What about you, commissioner?" he says. "Which one of our big wins do you want to come watch this weekend?"
"Uhhh ..." says the man, slipping into the darkness. "I think I'll hang out here for a little while."
