Barnie Day was a Democratic delegate from Patrick County from his election in 1997 through the 2001 session. A former county administrator and business owner, he is now a banker. Memo to Kaine and Kilgore -- Re: Transportation in Virginia A second letter to Kilgore What we’re really up against Paging Paul Harris, and a word on stem cell research Mr. President, read this column This marriage thing Older Barnie Day columns Join A Discussion Reprint Email this Article

Monday, August 30, 2004

Dear Rev. Falwell:

Hope this note finds you well and happy. I see you on CNN and MSNBC once in a while. You’re obviously prosperous.

Say, have you heard of that Atkins Diet craze? You might want to look into that.

Sir, the reason I write is to congratulate you on your new law school. As I understand it, you’re going to turn out conservative lawyers with Judeo-Christian values. Did I get that right? Is that the gig?

Good for you. It’s about time some of these liberal heathen lawyers got their comeuppance.

I think I know exactly what you’re striving for and I’ve been trying to explain the need for just such an outfit as the one you’ve opened to some of the riff-raff I hang with. But you know how wicked lawyers twist stuff around. I’d be much obliged if you could give me a little ammo to use against them.

And, hey, while we’re at it, let’s just start with ammo. Conservatives believe in guns, mostly for self defense, self protection, and so on. You never know when somebody’s going to start something.

But what about Jesus’ admonition in the Book of Mathew? “But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.”

Jesus didn’t say nothing about pulling out your piece. Which way will your lawyers go on that one? They going to argue the Second Amendment or the Biblical duty to get slapped twice?

Conservatives generally support the death penalty. They are pretty much a hard law and order kinda crowd. But Jesus said, “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.”

You with the mercy crowd or the law crowd on that one?

Hey, I know you know these lines like the back of your hand. I’m just pointing out a few things that give me a little trouble when I use the words ‘lawyer, conservative, and Christian’ in the same sentence.

Conservatives believe in a strong national defense, and an America-first foreign policy. Hey, I’m for that, too. Here’s what Jesus said:

“Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”

What’s with that? You reckon Jesus may have been a liberal? Maybe run that one by Rumsfeld the next time you talk to him. Get his take on it.

I know one thing. I’m for Jesus to the max, but I don’t want to be paying a lawyer to stand up in court with me if all he’s going to do is bless the scumbag who stole my hubcaps. Is that what you’re going to teach your folks to do?

And what about my coat?

Jesus said, “If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also.”

I wouldn’t recommend your lawyers trying that line on a good, gun-toting conservative. Especially if it’s cold out. Especially if it was a new coat.

You might want to skip some of that ‘pray for ‘em’ stuff when you get your classes going good.

And Reverend, you might want to skip this part, too -- it is inspired, world class advice, but I doubt it will fit what you’re trying to do -- so much of what Jesus said wouldn’t:

“Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison.”

Who needs a lawyer like that?

All best.

BKD