By NEIL HARVEY
THE ROANOKE TIMES

Archives Reprint

   Could a movie have a goofier title than "Half Past Dead" ?

    I guess it could (look at 1998's "Johnny Skidmarks," for example), but given that the film's producers had scores of possibilities to choose from, you'd think they could've come up with something a little better. "Half Past Dead," sounds more like something Homer would be watching on "The Simpsons" than an actual movie.

    But "Half Past Dead" is an actual movie. And it's actually as goofy as it sounds.

    Steven Seagal plays an FBI agent named Sasha (yes, Sasha) who has spent 2 1/2 years undercover becoming friends with car thief Nick (Ja Rule) so he can bust the crime lord who killed his wife. Apparently, he's been undercover for so long that the FBI has forgotten about him, because when the bureau inexplicably raids Nick's warehouse, Sasha gets shot a half dozen times.

    When he recovers, Sasha joins Nick in prison so he can continue to gain his trust by serving a five-year sentence with him. I guess that's what's called being deep undercover. Deep, deep undercover.

    Anyway, as fate would have it, they're both sent to Alcatraz (which has reopened as "New Alcatraz") on the exact same day that the prison is overtaken by murderous crooks who are searching for a stash of gold. Darn the luck.

    "Half Past Dead" is an obvious and feeble attempt to combine the plot of another movie about terrorists taking over Alcatraz ("The Rock") with the plot of another movie about cops in prison ("Tango & Cash"). Neither "The Rock" nor "Tango & Cash" are very good, but compared to "Half Past Dead," they're practically modern classics.

    Plot holes abound. Bad acting does too. Weird attempts at slapstick comedy fail miserably. Seagal and Ja Rule try to act like "Rush Hour"-style buddies, but they just can't pull it off. Someone should've told Seagal that comic banter, when whispered, isn't charming; it's creepy.

    There are too many great movies out there, and too many not-so-great ones, and too many bad movies worth seeing, for anyone to waste their time watching "Half Past Dead." It's an hour and a half you'll never get back.

    Half Past Dead

    At the Carmike 10 at Tanglewood Mall and Valley View Grande 16. Rated PG-13 for pervasive action violence, language and some sexual content. One hour, 39 minutes.

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