ACT I

Characters

Cool Head -- young, handsome, dashing, wealthy

The Cheshire Cats -- four of them in a row, plump disheveled, balding, grinning, canary tail feathers barely discernable in the pressed corners off their lips. They wear handmade placards, looped around their necks with string. The placards all have a capital 'R'. The cats all stand to one side.

The Village Idiot -- A Yankee dressed like Robert E. Lee

RM -- a conservative editorialist

The Learned Gentleman -- an oft'quoted professor

The Two Ghosts -- of William Faulkner, and of historic Southern governor

Shirley Y. Sparrow -- A renowned frequent flyer

Opening Scene

Curtain rises. Lights come up. Cool Head strides in, not from left or right, but dead center. He is obviously enraged, anguished. He clenches his fists, looks heavenward, and roars.

Cool Hand: "What in the hell went wrong!? Will somebody please tell me what in the hell went wrong!?"

The Cheshire cats purr loudly. The little one licks himself just as the chorus begins an incessant, high pitched refrain.

The Deer In The Head Leighty's: "Wedon'tknow.Wedon'tknow. Wedon'tknow.She-bop,she-bop, she-bop."

The Village Idiot enters from the Left, accompanied by The Learned Gentleman.

The Village Idiot: "What we have h-e-a-h is a failure."

The Learned Gentleman trys to help his dim-witted friend finish the line correctly, whispering loudly, in a hiss.

The Learned Gentleman: " 'to communicate', stupid."

The Village Idiot, perplexed, lets apprehension come slowly to his face, then nods.

The Village Idiot: "What we have h-e-a-h to communicate, stupid, is a failure."

Cool Head, rage intensifying, veins popping out on his forehead, looks heavenward again and shouts.

Cool Head: "Will somebody please tell me what went wrong!? What happened to my plan!?"

The Cheshire cats burp, loudly, in unison. Little puffs of canary feathers fly from their lips.

The Cheshire cats: "BURPPPP!"

The Deer In The Head Leightys repeat the shrill refrain.

The Deer In The Head Leightys: "Wedon'tknow.Wedon't know. Wedon'tknow.She-bop,she-bop, she-bop."

RM, the editorialist, enters from the right and, cooing, begins to comfort the Cheshire cats.

RM: "There, there, poor babies. This is not your fault."

The Cheshire cats purr loudly.

The two ghosts enter from the past:

Faulkner: "How 'bout fetching me my horse. And bring a quart of bourbon when you come."

The Historic Governor: "Who you talking to, cracker?"

Faulkner: "Sorry, Guv' nuh. I didn't recognize you. I thought you was dead."

The Historic Governor: "Dead? I ain't even past!"

Faulkner: "I might write that down."

Shirley Y. Sparrow chimes in: (Sorry. Miscue. She's travelling.)

Cool Head's rage is overwhelming. He screams to the heavens.

Cool Head: "How do I get out of this asylum!?"

The Deer in The Head Leightys pick up their refrain as the Learned Gentleman steps forward.

The Learned Gentleman: "Keep a cool head, Cool Head."

Lights dim. The curtain comes down.

End of the Opening Scene

Intermission