A Play In One Act

(Sorry folks, that’s all there is.)

Introducing:

The Lone Stranger: a caped masked man, erstwhile crusader and crime fighter, governor wannabe, speaks with terrible nasal twang, bordering on impediment.

Chemo-sobby: pet nickname for The Lone Stranger

Jay Timidheels: aka Tonto, schemer and trusted Republican advisor, grave, serious demeanor, speech characterized by odd syntax, bordering on impediment.

Curtain rises

Chemo-sobby and Timidheels sit astride two stick horses, in the attorney general’s hideout, a high rock ledge deep in the mountains of western Virginia. They twist and paw the ground and make nervous horse noises in some attempt to make believe that the sticks they straddle are, in fact, real horses. When the sticks, er horses, are finally quieted, Chemo-sobby and Timidheels both lean forward, eastward, heads cocked to one side as if listening, towards Richmond. Chemo-sobby speaks.

Chemo-sobby: “Heah enythang?”

Timidheels: “Me hear drums, Chemo-sobby.”

Sound effects: Offstage, drums begin to beat.

Chemo-sobby: “Yeah, me too. I heah’em now. What’re they saying?”

Timidheels: “Mmmmmmm. News not good, Chemo-sobby. Drums bring talk of Republican tax increases.”

Chemo’s stick horse begins to shy and buck, nearly throwing Chemo from the high rock ledge but Chemo calms the stick, er horse, just in time.

Chemo-sobby: “Whoa, Vance. Easy boy. Easy does it.”

Timidheels: “Mmmmmmm. ‘Vance’ odd name for horse, Chemo-sobby.”

Chemo-sobby: “He’s a odd horse, but he’s the one we rode in on.”

Timidheels: “Mmmmmmm. Me understand, Chemo-sobby.”

Chemo-sobby: “What do the drums say now, Tonto?”

Timidheels: “Drums say Republicans divided, Chemo-sobby. Many favor tax increase. Many oppose. Many confused, as usual. Don’t seem to know difference. Republican Big Chief Chichester ramming Big Plan through Senate.

Chemo-sobby: “Well, what do they want me to do?”

Timidheels: “Mmmmmmm. Drums say, “Speak, Chemo-sobby! Drums say you all over block. Spend like drunk Indian. But oppose tax increase. Advocate borrowing billion dollars. You leader of Virginia Republicans, Chemo-sobby. They want word from you. Want to know where you stand, Chemo-sobby. You for or against tax increase?”

Chemo-sobby: “That could get a little tricky.”

Timidheels. “Mmmmmmm. Great danger, Chemo-sobby. Many Republican Big Chiefs favor tax increase. Big Chief Chichester not alone, Chemo-sobby. John Warner, Heap Big Chief. Him favor, too. Him cuss, Chemo-sobby. Him say ‘politics be damned!’ Virginia Chamber favors, Chemo-Sobby. Even Big Chief Howell favors now, Chemo-sobby. Push through half-billion dollar increase this week. Take back sales tax exemptions from friends of Chemo-sobby.”

Chemo-sobby: “Yeah, I been reading about that. Don’t know quite what to make of it. They lay half a billion in sales tax restorations on my friends and then expect me to chime in with them. I don’t know what to do?”

Timidheels: “Get grip, Chemo-sobby. First thing is to wiggle out from what you say in December. ‘No increase. Not now. Not ever.’ ”

Chemo-sobby: “You don’t understand, Tonto. They’re putting the sales tax burden back on airlines and railroads and utilities. I’ve hitched rides with these folks for years. Let me tell you, you think Virginia seems big from an airplane. Wait until you have to ride that stick horse from one end of the state to the other. What do we heah from Gilmore?”

Timidheels. “Him trouble, Chemo-sobby. Him raise war party against you. Him sneaky. Not to be trusted, Chemo-sobby. Drums say he scalp you if you throw in with pro-tax Republicans.”

Chemo-sobby: “I’m going to get scalped either way, my friend. We’ve got to stall them until we come up with a plan.”

Timidheels: “Get grip, Chemo-sobby. Drums not stop. They want answer. You for or against tax increase, Chemo-sobby? All want answer.”

Chemo-sobby: “Only one thing to do, Tonto.”

The two old friends turn and lock eyes and nod understanding. In the background, clouds part and a brilliant shaft of sunlight streaks the sky in spectacular reds and blues. Chemo-sobby speaks.

Chemo-sobby: “You brang the smoke signal kit?”

Timidheels: “Me bring, Chemo-sobby. You will blow Big Smoke, Chemo-sobby. Me knew you figure something out.”

Chemo-sobby nods and the two old friends smile just as the curtain comes down.

THE END

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