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Barnie Day was a Democratic delegate from Patrick County from his election in 1997 through the 2001 session. A former county administrator and business owner, he is now a banker.
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A body-builder who can’t speaka de Enguish. Admitted butt-grabber and group-sexer who forswore special interest money, but led the pack in taking it. Republican. His wife, the Elvira look-a-like, with bigger hair and sharper angles. (Wouldn’t you hate for her to bite you?) Democrat. No, not just Democrat, but Kennedy Democrat. Or used to be. Used to be a Kennedy. Used to be a Democrat.
They’re on the stage together, in triumph. The confetti is coming down. The governor and first lady of California.
I’m sitting there watching and for the first time since I first contemplated Santa Clause and the chimney gig, (see, we didn’t have a chimney) I am mulling over things that I don’t understand. I honest-to-God don’t think I can connect the dots on this one.
Maybe it was Gray Davis. A cold fish. First time he entered my consciousness I thought he looked -- and acted -- and sounded -- like a three-way cross of Jim Hunt (the former multi-term North Carolina governor), Mr. Rogers (the late, great), and Pez, the candy dispenser. Only colder. A cold, cold fish. (The Hunt thing could have been the hair-do.) Had to be Gray. Pez had -- has -- more personality. And Mr. Rogers would at least speak to you.
The thing is, Awnold didn’t really stand out in that crowd of nutballs. The stripper? The blue guy? Larry Flynt?
Well, maybe he did stand out a little. After all he is a Republican who is pro-choice, pro-environment, pro-gun control. Larry Flynt’s got nothing on him (and Larry Flynt’s got something on most everybody -- usually pictures).
If it wasn’t Gray Davis, could it have been the issues?
Let’s see. Some of this sounds familiar. Car tax. Big deficit. Big, big deficit. Do-nothing legislature. Gee, this could get complicated, and then I realized how stupid I am. This Awnold is a genius. Increase spending -- on education, and every other thing that comes along -- cut taxes (repealing the car tax alone in California will blow another $4 billion hole in the California budget, a hole you could already dump the Rocky Mountains into) and the deficit will magically melt away. How could I have missed such an obvious solution?
No doubt about it, this guy has been to Republican School.
Awnold does have two things going for him. Scandal and an opposition legislature. Despite best intentions and all that talk about conciliation and reaching out, and coming together, and other related and sundry nonsense, governors who have to contend with opposition legislatures usually don’t get squat done -- at least the governors who don’t understand that they have a stick and demonstrate a willingness to use it, don’t. (Hey, ask around.)
At least Awnold can always fall back on the scandal thing when the issues -- primarily the absurdity of the fiscal situation California is in -- get too hot for him. When folks start boring in, demanding answers and explanations on how, exactly, does he intend to increase spending, cut taxes and deal with that devil of a deficit thing, he can always trot out a new bimbo to knock that fiscal stuff off the front pages. (Next to a hurricane, scandal is about the best thing in the world to get the day-to-day governing difficulties off the front pages.)
Or he can call Larry, Larry Flynt. I can hear that one now. "Hey Warry, these is Awnold. You still got that piece of film weedth me and the midgets and the donkey? Yeah, that one. I thinked we need to get that one out. Thank you, Warry."
Copyright 2003