Act I

Scene II

Introducing:

Ashley Wilkes-the Cabinet Secretary

The Hoarse Whisperer-Cool Head's man in the House (imaginary character)

Jack the Ripper-partisan caucus attack dog

Gil Moreorless-you know, ol' what's-his-name

With encore appearances by:

The Cheshire Cats
Historic southern governor
Shirley Y. Sparrow
The Deer In The Head Leightys
And, of course, Cool Head himself

Curtain rises. Lights come up. Cool Head sits at his desk. Messengers scurry in and out of the office, delivering bad news that flows in from the far reaches of the kingdom. Cool Head is agitated, irritable. He feels alone. Off stage, the historic southern governor, locked out, peeps in through the keyhole. The Deer In The Head Leightys begin a soft rendition of the Lennon and McCartney tune, "Money Can't Buy Me Love." Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.

Sound effects: Knock. Knock. Knock

Cool Head looks up, but before he can speak, the door opens and the Cheshire Cats, plump, balding, rumpled, file in. As usual, they wear their 'R' placards, and they show signs of having recently eaten a meal. Yellow canary feathers are strewn down their jacket fronts. One of them leads Jack the Ripper, the caucus attack dog, on a short leash.

Cool Head instinctively flashes that famous smile, and greets them cordially.

Cool Head: "Good morning, gentlemen. Nice doggie."

Cool Head rises to pet Jack, but the dog growls and snaps at him and Cool Head thinks better of it. He continues:

Cool Head: "Yes...well. Gentlemen, I've been going over all the budget cuts that I've decided, in pursuit of nonpartisanship, to take the blame for. I hope they meet with your approval."

Cool Head resumes his seat at his desk. The Cheshire Cats begin to purr. Jack remains alert, vigilant.

The Cheshire Cats: "Purrrrrrrrrrrr."

Jack The Ripper: "Grrrrrrrrrrrrr."

Cool Head: "On mental health and prisons, I am proposing what we will call 'The Oyster Plan'. We will close those facilities in months that have an 'R' in their name. The Chesapeake Bay types will love it. You see, that will double as our environmental policy! Does that meet with your approval?"

The Cheshire Cats, thrilled with the symbolism of the 'R,' purr in unison.

The Cheshire Cats: "Purrrrrrrrr."

Cool Head continues:

Cool Head: "The good news is that our libraries will remain open…on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And in some supreme effort to address the traffic congestion problem in Northern Virginia, we're going to eliminate meals on wheels. And finally, gentlemen…I am going to blame myself for the drought. And the locusts. And the frogs. And any other plagues that may arise. I'll take the blame for those, too. These are Biblical times we face."

Again, The Cheshire Cats purr in unison. Even Jack wags his tail.

At that moment there is another knock at the door.

Sound Effects: Knock. Knock. Knock.

All eyes turn to the door.

Ashley Wilkes enters.

Cool Head: "Mr. Secretary."

Ashley Wilkes: "Hey, Cool. Hey, kitties. Nice doggie. Sir, we've been looking into the cost overruns on the mixing bowl project. Seems like a lot of overseas travel has been allocated to that job."

Enter Shirley Y. Sparrow, who flutters to the windowsill. She seems disoriented and is having pronunciation difficulty. Attempting to sing "tweet, tweet," she can only manage "Suite, suite. Suite, suite."

Enter The Hoarse Whisperer, Cool Head's man in the House, who leans and whispers hoarsely into Cool Head's ear. Cool Head is visibly shaken by the message.

Cool Head: "Gentlemen. Grave news. Our friend Vance may be missing!"

Ashley Wilkes: "I'll notify the State Police immediately!"

The Hoarse Whispered leans and whispers into Cool Head's ear again. Cool Head nods.

Cool Head: "Sorry, Mr. Secretary. We can't do that. With our new 'right sizing' initiative we've laid off the State Police."

The Cheshire Cats purr loudly. Jack wags his tail again. Shirley Y. Sparrow, still disoriented, still having some difficulty with articulation, chirps in.

Shirley Y. Sparrow: "What an Amsterdamn good idea!"

Cool Head: "What on earth will we do?"

The historic southern governor, unable to restrain himself further, rattles the door, finds it secured locked and finally shrieks through the keyhole.

Historic southern governor: "It's as simple as the ABCs! Sell 'em! Sell 'em off!".

The Hoarse Whisperer looks puzzled, but Cool Head reassures him.

Cool Head: "Hush! Did I hear someone listening to our conversation? Seems to be a lot of that going around." He pauses thoughtfully, then continues. "God bless, though, Hoarse! Is there not one piece of good news anywhere in the kingdom? Not even one?"

There is a third knock at the door.

Sound Effects: Knock. Knock. Knock.

Gil Moreorless bursts in.

Gil Moreorless: "Great news! A miracle! A job! A job! I've found a job! I'm going to have my own line of paper shredders!!! Talk about suiting me to a 'T'!!!"

All beam brightly. The Deer In The Head Leightys croon softly and snap their fingers to the old Silhouettes tune of 1958.

The Deer In The Head Leightys: "Get a job. Get a job. Get a job. Get a job"

Lights dim. Curtain falls. End of Act I

Intermission