Watch out for the Seer

If you see Ronald Jones, let him know he’s in big trouble.

Of course, if you do see him, you probably won’t know, because that’s not his real name. Nor can I help find him, because I never met the guy. But at some point in the past, he lived in my house. I know nothing about him except he seemed to have questionable taste in carpet colors. But we occasionally still get junk mail in his name, which we generally drop unopened in the trash.

Nevertheless, the other day he got a particularly junky letter, which on a whim I ripped open. What I found was impending disaster for poor old un-located Ron.

The letter was from “The Seer” in Los Angeles, the “one and only world-famous Seer,” no less. His “word is literally gospel,” he asserts, except apparently when he misuses the word literally. Everything he says is “100% proven,” his powers “100% tested and 100% true.” Other, lesser psychics “always ask if they can come along I hear it everyday.” I think he meant this as a testimonial. His punctuation is something less than 100 percent proven, as it turns out.

The Seer was kind enough to send this letter after enduring a nightmare starring wretched Ronnie. The prophecy involved Ron drowning “in a sea of struggles and unfulfilled destiny.” It seems he’s been “in serious trouble . . . [his] case filled with complications.” Whoa. Ron packed his cases when he left, so I’ll have to take the Seer’s infallible word for it.

Miraculously, the Seer has been appointed by a “Revelation Angel” and “divine forces of the Universe” to intervene in Ron’s inauspicious life. Too bad the Revelation Angel could not provide an address that was not a decade out of date. The letter was also sent bulk mail, not first class. Maybe the Seer sent several hundred copies to Ron’s previous addresses, hoping to catch up with him somewhere.

Anyway, asking nothing in return, the Seer will “destroy evil, combat demons, and cast a force field of impenetrable white light around you.” I’m kind of glad Ron doesn’t live here anymore. Such illumination would make it hard to sleep.

All of this is free, of course, except for the “one-time Thanks Token of $25 payable to the Seer.” But even that’s quite the bargain — the Seer’s kindly waiving his usual $400 minimum.

Ill-fated Ron also must perform — immediately! — some confusing rituals involving badly printed inserts including “the circle of white magic,” the “guiding hand of numbers and fortune,” and “the hideous image of Baphomet” (who looks like a winged goat with bad tattoos). There’s also something that looks like a badly pixilated imitation of that weird one-eyed pyramid thing on the back of a dollar bill. Maybe the Revelation Angel can reveal the current address of a better LA print shop for the Seer, who perhaps was too sleep deprived after his nightmare to cut out Baphomet straight.

Tragically, if Ron doesn’t pick up his mail soon, he faces impending disaster on May 7. At least, unless the Seer can “collect numerological vibrations” from his “aura.” Maybe a proper zip code can be deduced from a numerological vibration.

As you can guess, I got a chuckle from the scam, and wondered if anyone could be so gullible as to think the Seer can “rewrite your destiny . . . filling your life with love, wealth, good fortune and inexhaustible riches.”

But then it occurred to me: The Seer is not alone in this business. He’s a pale imitation of our political leaders. They too avow that they can foresee the disaster imminent in your life, and that they alone can avert it. They know your life is not as it should be, and they know who is to blame. And they promise to take the “malicious power behind the tragedy” and “banish it” from your life. They alone can be the “fiercely dedicated protector, benefactor and intercessor,” providing “absolute protection from every form of evil and misfortune.”

These political seers, more slickly packaged and more adroit at keeping a database than the “one and only world-famous Seer,” only want to help. And they’ll do it for free, if you don’t count the “thanks tokens” of a few votes and some campaign contributions. And like any victims of the Seer’s swindle, those who trust the all-seeing government to solve all of their problems for them eventually find themselves no better off and quite a bit poorer when it’s all is said and done.

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