Lynn Craven and her partner say their Roanoke family helps change attitudes whenever playmates visit their twins. But there's little chance the lesbian couple will convince Victoria Cobb of the merits of same-sex marriage.

Cobb, who heads the Family Foundation of Virginia, is pushing hard for a state constitutional amendment to ban gay marriages. Cobb said the issue is protecting children, not depriving same-sex couples of their rights. Without the amendment, she said traditional marriage is under fire.

"Marriage is a bedrock of society, and it is defined as between one man and one woman," said Cobb, 27, whose first child is due in July.

In the eight months before the November election, each camp will polish its campaign message. While Sister Sledge's "We Are Family'' is still unclaimed as a theme song by either side, a tug of war filled with emotion is likely.

This month, the General Assembly resoundingly approved legislation that brings the constitutional amendment before voters. The referendum requires a simple majority for passage.

As campaigns unfold, the issue is cast in passionate terms. Gay and lesbian groups, drawing comparisons to the civil rights battles in the 1960s, say the referendum would enshrine discrimination and possibly spawn hate crimes and domestic violence. A constitutional amendment is overkill, they say, because state law already defines marriage as between a man and a woman. And, they warn, unwedded straight couples could find their civil liberties curtailed.

Proponents say it is vital to etch the traditional definition of marriage into Virginia's Constitution. Unless the referendum succeeds, they say, Virginia is vulnerable to court challenges from homosexuals in Vermont, Massachusetts and other states who want their legal unions honored here. The amendment bans state and local governments from granting legal recognition to relationships between unmarried people "that intends to approximate the design, qualities, significance or effects of marriage."

It's unclear how much Virginia's referendum will cost, but similar constitutional amendment campaigns ranged from about $10,000 in sparsely populated North Dakota to several million dollars each in Ohio and Oregon.

Volunteers in the Roanoke and New River valleys -- which each campaign estimates at about 1,500 people -- will wage the campaign in neighborhoods and from church pulpits. They'll run telephone banks, post fliers, send direct mail, run petition drives and appear at forums.

Molly McClintock of Christiansburg, who is working with gay-rights group Equality Virginia to defeat the referendum, said a constitutional amendment is redundant and unnecessary.

"It's wrong to discriminate. What is at stake is for Virginia to take a wrong turn, for Virginia to do something that ultimately will be deemed unconstitutional and morally reprehensible," she said. "It really is a question of right and wrong."

Former Roanoke Mayor Ralph Smith, a local liaison for the Family Foundation, said people with shared beliefs are coming together.

"We know in the circles who you can depend on to do the work," Smith said. "There is a group that will write checks, and there is a group that will be foot soldiers to attend rallies."

Agents for change

Craven, who has a "very traditional untraditional" relationship with her partner, is a banker, church deacon and family breadwinner. Her partner stays at home with their twin daughters, conceived eight years ago through artificial insemination. Craven said they live quietly and don't wave the rainbow flag, a symbol of gay pride.

"We've had some parents who were leery of having their son or daughter come over to a birthday party, and when they do and start to realize that we're regular people, it is an effective change," said Craven, 35. "We are making the most progress by changing people's point of view, one family at a time."

Craven fears the referendum jeopardizes her family's health care, which is covered by her bank's domestic partner benefits, and the acceptance they've won in the community. She frets that their legal contracts -- medical directives, custody and wills -- could be upended if the referendum passes. But Craven is staying put in Virginia, despite what she described as an undercurrent of intolerance and hostility that the referendum encapsulates.

"If I move, then they've won. And what have I taught my children -- that every time there is a struggle, I tuck my tail and run to a place that would accept me?" Craven said. "You have to be a change agent if you want things to change."

Family memberships at Roanoke gyms are not extended to same-sex couples, nor can they file joint income tax returns or receive the Social Security benefits, immigration or inheritance rights of married couples. Many same-sex couples have medical powers of attorney to enable them to visit in hospitals or make health care decisions.

"So far, the hospitals have been abundantly gracious -- but all it takes is one doctor or one nurse" for problems to arise, said the Rev. Catherine Houchins of Metropolitan Community Church of the Blue Ridge, many of whose members are gay or lesbian.

"The referendum deprives gays and lesbians of the rights and privileges afforded to other tax-paying Virginians," said Houchins, a Virginia native who is pastor of the Southeast Roanoke church. "We are part of the community."

Points of view

Polarized beliefs and passions illuminate the gulf between the two sides: moral turpitude versus civil rights.

"We believe homosexuality and same-sex relationships are clearly wrong. But we believe that once people experience God's grace, they can be changed," said the Rev. Michael Palmer of Green Ridge Baptist Church in Roanoke County.

Palmer, who calls for "the common respect for human beings," said his church members were unified in their stance in support of traditional marriage. "On this issue, I can guarantee you that our church will be out to vote," he said.

Palmer added that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice and that there is no scientific proof that it is based in genetics.

"People give all kinds of excuses, all kinds of reasons, all kinds of rationale to live whatever kind of lifestyle that they want to live," he said. "I do not believe that there is such a thing as a homosexual gene. That's like me saying that I feel like I should have three different wives."

Cabinet craftsman Don Marlow, 53, said he lived in the shadows in Franklin County for years before he came out as a gay man at his workplace several years ago.

"There were a couple of people who told me I would go to hell," Marlow said. "I told them that I don't believe that -- God loves me and that I'm here for a purpose."

Each side is harnessing churches to help spread its message. The Family Foundation works closely with its sister group, va4marriage.org -- a coalition of pro-family groups in Virginia -- to ensure passage of the referendum. Cobb, of the Family Foundation, said the country could follow the polygamous bent of Scandinavian states.

"Sweden is the next step in front of us -- they are calling for the formalization of multiple-partner relationships," she said. "It would be short-sighted for us to ignore other ways that countries and people are trying to redefine marriage."

People of Faith for Equality in Virginia, in Richmond, is raising funds, passing leaflets at malls and taking other steps to defeat the referendum.

"We're trying to balance the nature of religious dialogue in Virginia," said the Rev. Robin Gorsline, co-leader of the gay-friendly group. "We're bringing voices to counterbalance the Family Foundation that has a different view on the faith we share."

Chris Freund, a spokesman for va4marriage.org, said money will be raised primarily through receptions, direct mail and meetings with donors they identify as supporting traditional marriage. Funds will help buy air time on Christian and talk radio, and possibly direct mail and television.

Diane Winston, 77, is separated by 50 years from Cobb, but sees eye to eye with her on traditional marriage. Winston heads the Family Forum of the New River Valley, which will target conservative voters, staff phone banks and hold suppers with lawmakers.

Dyana Mason, executive director of Equality Virginia, a Richmond advocacy group for gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual people, said community action teams in the Roanoke and New River valleys will help educate voters. "They will be our eyes, arms and legs in Southwest Virginia," Mason said.

McClintock was walking in parts of Old Southwest in Roanoke on March 11, and she handed out leaflets urging the referendum's defeat at the Lyric Theatre in Blacksburg last week at a showing of "Brokeback Mountain." McClintock said one of the biggest hurdles in trying to defeat the referendum is coaxing gays and lesbians to talk about their own lives and encouraging straight people to join the cause. She compared the allegiance to the whites who stood up for blacks in the 1960s and joined boycotts, marches and protests.

"Just like in the black civil rights issue, we're going to have to rely on the work of straight people. There aren't enough gays and lesbians in Southwest Virginia. We need straight people to stand up in their churches and neighborhoods and say 'We won't let rights be trampled,' " she said. "Certainly, there are people who will still be afraid to come out. But we've hit a point where people are willing to take a little more personal risk because they see more is at stake."

'Not a gay-friendly state'

Some people such as Lynn Adler have chosen to leave the state rather than deal with what they characterize as Virginia's animosity toward same-sex couples. Adler, who worked in Virginia Tech's biology department, left in August 2004 for a job as an assistant professor at the University of Massachusetts-Amherst. She took about $100,000 in national grants and since then has raised another $100,000 for the university.

"I have a long-term partner and we wanted to have a family. State laws in Virginia are such that the nonbiological parent wouldn't be recognized legally by the state," said Adler, who is expecting her first child in three weeks. "Here, I know my partner can visit me at a hospital, or is legal parent of our children, or is covered by my health insurance."

Others are pondering a move. Randy Morgan, 54, a retired postal worker, arrived in Roanoke in May after living for several years in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. He intends to remain here for a while, but passage of the referendum could change his plans.

"I'm no different from anyone else. I have to make my house payments and take care of business. I think people make too much out of what goes on in the bedroom," Morgan said. "What would I tell somebody who is thinking of moving to Virginia? I would tell them to think about it twice. It's not a gay-friendly state."