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In these tough economic times, we are all looking to do our part to rebuild the American economy and reinvent ourselves.

To that end, I have been thinking about opening a new business.

My proposal is simple: I would like to open a Psychological Evaluation and Treatment Center for Insane Cats -- PETCIC, for short -- a viable service for most, if not all, cat owners.

First of all, there is a very good chance that you, gentle reader, have either (a) just removed a cat from your pile of newspapers to get to this article or (b) are currently experiencing the joys of a cat who likes to help you read the paper, or (c) both.

If you wish to preserve your own sanity under such conditions, this leaves you with just two respectable options.

One on hand, you can teach the cat to read, which is not very likely since that is your job and she will still expect you to turn the pages even if it works.

Or, you can take your cat to PETCIC so we can get to the real, underlying issues.

You see, that is the key -- understanding that, unlike dogs and humans and other lower life forms, your cat has real problems.

Have you ever really considered how much social pressure there is on a cat who is expected to both be the most graceful, elegant and sophisticated member of the household and yet must poop in a box in the laundry room?

This is what your cat must manage on a daily basis, my friends, and the only compassionate thing to do is get her the help she needs.

Secondly, from my experience, there are a lot of people who would benefit if for no other reason than to get a good night's sleep.

Sure, you can give the cat the Fred Flintstone treatment, but does that really solve anything?

It only develops resentments and, of course, cats invented both torture and revenge, so it will get you nowhere.

To deal with such a dilemma, you must call in an experienced feline psychologist (like myself) who understands that the cat is both a nocturnal and musical animal similar to an adolescent or Broadway extra, only better at taking messages and much, much cleaner.

So for a reasonable fee and a bag of Purina, I will let you tap into my personal experience with such matters.

For example, at my own house, we are working through a musical catharsis right now.

Two of my cats, Saffron and Schroeder, have decided to process their anxieties by producing a full stage version of West Side Story in our bedroom, complete with phony rumbles and a uniquely staccato arrangement of "Tonight."

Unfortunately, with their busy schedules of napping, exploring shelves with breakable objects and walking in and out of the same door 37 times a day, the only chance they both have to rehearse is between 3 and 4 a.m.

But rather than attempt to strangle an animal that can both see in the dark and turn invisible at will after midnight, you have to use psychology.

In our case, we have discovered (no kidding on this, by the way), that Saffron will drop whatever she is doing if I whistle Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker Suite," (and ONLY that), in effect subduing her with high culture.

Since Schroeder has a co-dependent personality, he calms down, too.

Now, that is just the kind of thing we'll teach you and your cat at PETCIC, so don't hesitate to contact me.

Just fill out the extensive questionnaire below to determine if you have an insane cat.

Question 1: Do you have a cat?

If the answer is yes, you know what you must do.

Sean Kotz is a writer and filmmaker living in Floyd County. You can e-mail him at sean@horsearcherproductions.com.