(The camera pans wildly around the studio, where audience members wearing orange and maroon wave their arms and chant.)

Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Jerry: Welcome to “The Jerry Flinger Show!” Today’s topic is “New River Valley Zeroes and Heroes.”

Crowd: Wooooooooooh!

Jerry: Our first guest today is Stan Williams. He’s a Virginia Tech season-ticket holder from Elliston, and he has a story. Here he is … Stan!

Crowd: Wooooooooh!

(Stan struts out wearing orange sweat pants and a maroon T-shirt that reads “We ACCept.”)

Jerry: Welcome to the show, Stan.

Stan: Thank ya, Jerry.

Jerry: So I understand you were recently betrayed. Tell us about that.

Stan: Well, Jerry, I’ve been a Hokie for a long time. Gosh, I’d have to say it’s going on six, seven years now — whenever that Sugar Bowl was. Anyway, a few years back, we got this hotshot recruit named Marcus Vick. Man, he was something else on the football field.

Jerry: Did you love him?

Stan: Of course I loved him, Jerry! He was Michael’s little brother. He had an arm like a bazooka. But his head … I don’t know about his head.

(Camera zooms in on the green room, where Marcus peers straight ahead into the lens. The caption reads: “Marcus Vick: NRV Zero.”)

Jerry: What do you mean when you say you’re not sure about his head?

Stan: Well, first there was the whole thing with the underage girls and the alcohol. Then there was the whole reckless driving thing while he was on probation. A couple of my buddies wanted to kick him to the curb right there.

Jerry: And what about you?

Stan: I stood by him, Jerry! I had to. He apologized. I believed in him.

Jerry: And then what happened?

Stan: Well, he flipped the bird to some spectators at West Virginia. I kind of got a kick out of that, but I had a hard time explaining it to my kids. Then he stomped on the knee of a Louisville player in the Gator Bowl, bringing shame to my school. That pretty much did it for me.

Jerry: But that wasn’t all, was it?

Stan: No! Then we come to find out he’d been pulled over again for some traffic violations. Then the school booted him, and he got arrested again over an incident at McDonald’s, and ESPN was talking about it nonstop and … sheesh … I tell ya, Jerry, I’ve never gotten more flak from those UVa losers than I did that week.

Matt Gentry | The Roanoke Times

Marcus Vick (5).

Jerry: Let’s bring him out. Here he is … Marcus Vick!

Crowd: Boooooooooo!

Marcus: IT’S OK! IT’S OK! KEEP BOOING! I’LL JUST TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL, BABY!

Jerry: What do you have to say for yourself, Marcus?

Marcus: First of all, Jerry, you don’t know me. None of you do. So step off.

Jerry: OK! Let’s take some questions from the audience. You, ma’am, wearing the turkey hat. Your question?

Audience member: Yeah, this is for the criminal. Why don’t you step up and be a man, huh? Huh?

Marcus: Sit down. I’ll be able to buy and sell you after a few years in the NFL.

Crowd: Booooooooooo!

Audience member (motioning wildly): Bring it, then! I’m right here! What you want?!!!

(Marcus stands up, only to be held back by two security guards.)

Crowd: A-ren-a ball! A-rena-a ball! A-rena-a ball!

Marcus: Shut up!

Jerry: OK, everyone, let’s calm down. You’ll like our next guest. You voted him NRV Hero in a landslide. Let’s bring him out now … Frank Beamer!

Crowd: Woooooooooooh!

Matt Gentry | The Roanoke Times

Frank Beamer.

(Frank walks out and pumps his fist to the supportive audience, drawing even louder cheers. Then he sees Marcus and walks over, wraps his arms around his former quarterback and holds him in a warm embrace for several seconds.)

Stan: Noooo!!!

(Stan bolts up from his chair and rushes over, pushing Marcus away from Frank. Stan and Marcus trade wild blows as Frank tries to break it up.)

Frank: Stop it, guys! Cut it out!

(Order is finally restored after several tense moments. Stan and Marcus glare at each other from across the stage as each catches his breath.)

Jerry: Well, this is a twist. So, Frank, you still have feelings for Marcus?

Frank: Sure I do. I’ve said that all along. Doesn’t anybody listen?

Jerry: But you still love Stan.

Frank: I love them both. Is that so wrong?

(The audience groans. But just when it seems the crowd is beginning to turn on Frank, the coach walks off stage and returns wearing a hat that reads, simply: “2006 Gator Bowl Champs.”)

Crowd: Woooooooooh!!

Aaron McFarling is a sports columnist for The Roanoke Times, but his heart will always be in the New River Valley, where he first developed his love for trashy TV talk shows and misbehavin’ quarterbacks. He can be reached at shirtlessguy@mullet.com.