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Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a crisis on our hands. It’s not the Franklin County schools budget. Or Roanoke County’s debt. Or the name of a new high school in Blacksburg.
Or even Roanoke City Council salaries (but more about that later).
A fire has closed down Krispy Kreme on Melrose Avenue for good, portending a deep-fried dough drought in the Roanoke Valley. One wag who emailed me Tuesday likened this to the Flood of ’85.
It’s not that bad, of course, but could the timing have been any worse? Friday marks the 76th annual celebration known as National Doughnut Day. And on that holiday of free confections, Roanokers will have to do with cold and stale trucked-in Krispy Kremes.
There will be no joy in Starville.
What about Dunkin Donuts on Franklin Road? Yes, they have reopened following a brief shutdown for renovations. And yes, they make doughnuts from scratch on-site (unlike the ones at Keagy Village, where premade dough is delivered frozen).
And yes, they are making earnest efforts to appeal to Dixie, what with their new southern delicacy, the doughnut-bacon sandwich.
The bottom line, though, is that Dunkin Donuts is based in Massachusetts. As we all know, Yankee doughnuts simply won’t do. We demand our “hot and fresh” be glazed with Southern heritage — the way we like our history.
The Great Doughnut Drought of 2013 is not all bad though, according to many unsubstantiated rumors.
Word is, every beat cop in Roanoke has dropped 5 pounds since the May 30 fire. The number of traffic tickets from the 4100 block of Melrose Avenue has plummeted, because police no longer have good reason to go there. So far in June, Carilion Clinic’s lab has seen a sudden 11-point drop in average blood sugar levels of folks tested.
But this is America, where doughnuts trump diabetes any day. And the chief long-term problem is that Krispy Kreme has been cannily reluctant about relocating a hot-and-fresh factory here. It’s not because they don’t want to. Instead, company executives are trying to play Roanoke against Salem, to see which locality offers them the fastest track for zoning and building permits. Remember Chick- fil-A on West Main?
Who knows — Roanoke County supervisors may even up the ante by offering a 20-year tax abatement if Krispy Kreme builds its new joint on South Peak.
This is why it’s imperative the city of Roanoke acts quickly. Council members must pass an emergency ordinance raising the price of doughnuts by 28.5 percent.
If that number sounds familiar, it’s because I borrowed it from the pay raises council voted Monday to give themselves (the mayor is getting only 15 percent).
Here’s the logic, which I also borrowed — from Councilman Bill Bestpitch , who introduced the pay-raise plan.
n Doughnuts are undervalued in the Star City, given all the time and effort and attention that doughnut producers put into making them.
n The increase makes up for the many years when doughnut prices have remained flat.
n It’s a little-known fact that Krispy Kremes in Portsmouth already cost more.
Such a price support will be so attractive to Krispy Kreme that the company may even decide to relocate its headquarters here. And that could have positive spinoffs for years to come.
Though it’s been successful, Roanoke’s latest “brand” as an outdoor destination is beginning to grow as stale as a honey-dipped doughnut from Kroger. Our ancestor brand, “The Star City,” was petrified 20 years ago.
Imagine a Krispy Kreme shop in the so-far empty restaurant space atop the recently renovated Center in the Square.
Visualize a 100-foot-tall neon-lighted doughnut rising off the top of Mill Mountain, a deep-fried beacon shining across the land.
There are risks, of course. The new health police in Richmond could always react by proposing retroactive requirements that Virginia doughnut shops meet gourmet-restaurant standards, with cloth napkins, silver cutlery, a minimum 150 parking spaces and more.
Or maybe they’ll go the other way, and allow doughnut makers to get certified via a one-hour online video. You just never know with that gang.
Whatever. For want of a mere 28.5 percent price increase , we’re staring at a chance to become the “Hot and Fresh City of the South.”
Roanoke’s council members should not let this opportunity slip through their sticky fingers.
Besides, they’ll be able to afford those doughnuts!