State must establish its own currency, with stipulations

In case you missed it, the Virginia House of Delegates last approved a resolution for a commission to study establishing a Virginia currency, if the Federal Reserve system collapses. Cost to taxpayers for the commission: $17,440. Let’s take a minute to imagine that committee’s report.

M E M O

From: Del. Bob Marshall’s Currency Commission

To: Virginia General Assembly

Subject: Our deliberations and recommendations

Gentle men and women of the oldest legislature in the Western Hemisphere:

After many hours of dinner meetings and $17,440 worth of prime beef, succulent 3-pound lobsters, and flagons of aged bourbon and claret, we’re pleased to bring you the following recommendations regarding a future Virginia currency.

First, it is vital we take this step. Every kook in the country knows the Federal Reserve is headed toward failure. The nuts are expecting the Old Dominion to lead the way out of that mess.

Therefore, we recommend you immediately establish a Virginia State Mint, the location of which is to be determined. One of those totally unnecessary prisons we built in the 1990s might be the most fitting place, symbolically. Red Onion, perhaps?

Second, the currency should be a coin, rather than paper, because the former will last far longer and cost taxpayers much less. We will get into the preferred material later in this summary.

Third, and this is important: We must carefully avoid any use of the term “Confederate” on the new coinage. Recall, we went down that road once before. And that didn’t turn out too swell.

Fourth, we deliberated a long time about a name for the new coin. One member suggested the “Bobby” after Del. Marshall. But he modestly pooh-poohed the idea and offered up the “Kenny,” after his favorite attorney general.

But we quickly realized how unseemly it would be to name it after anyone still alive. We decided instead to call it the “Virgin,” after our beloved commonwealth.

Del. Marshall wholeheartedly endorsed this. “I’m all for the Virgin!” he exclaimed. After the laughter died down, we launched a brainstorming session about how the new coin could be used.

The Virgin will be legal tender for all debts, public and private, except: birth control pills, condoms, abortions, the HPV vaccine and everything else related to women having sex. After all, we want to keep our Virgins pure.

Planned Parenthood will specifically be banned from accepting Virgins as payment for anything. However, men may use Virgins to purchase Viagra — among other things, that will keep the birth rate up, which is good public policy.

We debated long and hard about whose picture should go on the coin. Ultimately we chose the Roman goddess Virtus, from the Virginia state seal. But definitely NOT the bare-breasted version you’re most familiar with. We like the one Attorney General Ken Cucinnelli devised, with her breasts covered. In other words, a modest Virgin.

The coin should have the words “IN BOB WE TRUST” in bas-relief near the edge, and the Latin slogan “NON AMPLIUS ENIM AMANTES” which means, “No longer for lovers.” Our old slogan gave the wrong impression.

The material used in making the coin was the subject of the greatest debate among commission members.

We almost settled upon uranium — there’s loads of that down in Pittsylvania County. But someone pointed out that Sen. John Watkins, R-Powhatan, withdrew his bill to allow mining the stuff. Drat!

Next we turned to coal. Its chief advantage is it would keep lots of miners employed in far Southwest Virginia. Then one commissioner noted the karmic coincidence of Virginians paying their electric bills in coal coins, which the power company could burn to make more electricity.

“Are you kidding?” Marshall cried. “We can’t have that! That would be recycling!”

We finally decided on perhaps the commonwealth’s most abundant natural resource of all: bull excrement. After 396 years of the Virginia General Assembly, there are mountains of it everywhere you look around Richmond. The piles grow higher every day.

To summarize: Our new coin should be the Virgin, with a prudishly draped goddess image and a less racy Latin phrase.

It should be composed of 100 percent pure and unadulterated BS — kind of like the law that created this commission.

Thanks for all those scrumptious dinners and the free booze!

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