CornerShot

I’m certain I inherited a dominant gene for messy eating because I’m so consistently good at it.

Oh sure, everybody gets a dab of jelly on a fingertip, a crumb in the lap, or a spot of mustard at the corner of the mouth sometime.

But I find globs of wet corn flakes on both shoes, dried spaghetti on my belt buckle and pimento cheese spread inside my shirt pocket.

I can’t eat a simple peanut butter sandwich without somehow getting the sticky stuff between all my fingers, and just picking up a hamburger floods my palm with a river of mayo and ketchup.

In a restaurant the ice in my tea always shifts, drenching my neck and collar. At a banquet it’s the tablecloth in front of me that looks like a toddler’s finger painting.

I’m thinking of joining the arts community in the Roanoke area as a performance artist with food as my medium.

So if you see me outside Center in the Square wearing a crown of mashed potatoes and gravy and a vest of tomato sauce, juggling some drippy ice cream cones, stop and say hello — and please tell me if I’ve got a smear of something on my chin.

Weather Journal

3 hours ago

1. 41-vehicle wreck ties up traffic Sunday on I-81 in Rockbridge County 

2. Virginia Tech football roster has holes on picture day

3. Medicare penalties hit hospitals in Roanoke, New River Valleys

4. Microfestivus beer event gets downtown Roanoke hopping 

5. McFarling: 2 little numbers are a big hurdle for Virginia Tech football 

6. DAN CASEY: Copter cost still stirring up dust

7. Arrest made in case of missing Nelson County teen

8. Roanoke farmers markets making local foods more accessible

9. Virginia attorney general's office grows under Ken Cuccinelli 

10. Man's drowning is 5th in Lynchburg area