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Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Ways to become better speakers and listeners
Doesn't anyone listen anymore?
When I ask members of work groups if they consider themselves good listeners, most think they are. When I ask to what extent they feel listened to, most say it's limited. That contradiction makes for some animated discussion.
For example, it's obviously irritating for a speaker when the listener asks, impatiently, "Are you finished?" Or if the speaker is told to "take a breath" or "relax" because the speaker is excited about a particular subject that he/she believes requires immediate action, not meditation.
Another example is when a speaker is describing a frustrating situation and the listener decides to take over the story by relating it to his/her own similar experience. Or when a speaker is talking to someone who is texting, or having a phone conversation and can hear the person on the other end attempting to multi-task.
You get the picture.
To some extent, we're all a bit guilty of talking too much while saying too little, or listening too little and missing too much. Let's tackle one and then the other.
- For the speakers: What's your point? First, make it. Then, if asked, make your case for why you made it. If no one asks, don't explain it. It's probably not necessary and may not be appreciated or necessary. If you are asked, stay on point. When you go off on tangents, you're hard to follow, your point is lost and you're going to be interrupted. You can pretty much count on the latter happening.
- For the listeners: If you're expected to take action based upon what the speaker has just said to you, and you don't know what to do or why you should, ask specific, "tell-me-more" questions. If you're on board and have what you need, say so.
It's not your obligation to fill the void in every discussion. A few moments of quiet can give those who need it time to think. It's not necessary to inject humor in the midst of a sobering conversation either. Seriousness works best for some people. Also, it's not always necessary to speed up a conversation that's moving more slowly than you'd like. There are others who may need to go slowly because they process better that way.
If you want to be as good a listener as you think you are, give the speaker time and space to make his/her point. Indicate your understanding of where the person is coming from, find common ground, affirm where you agree, clarify where you disagree, and get to work on closing the gap between the two.
Joyce Richman is a career coach, leadership development consultant, and author of "Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job" and "Roads, Routes & Ruts: A Guidebook for Career Success". You can read her blog at www.richmanresources.com or call 3P Career at (540) 989-0046.
