A grandmother in Shelton, Wash., shares a simple ritual her grandkids always look forward to:

"When I visit my grandchildren, I take four envelopes that each contain a different amount of money from $5 to $15. They each get to pick the envelope they want; then they have five minutes to exchange with one of their siblings or keep the one they chose. It's fun and interactive, and you've got their attention. Each one in turn hugs and kisses grandma and grandpa."

High on the list to remember, she says, is that "you need to relax with your grandkids so that they can relax with you."

Here's a sure way to strain family ties during a holiday: Giving extravagant presents without consulting the parents, then battling over how a big surprise gift such as a DVD player or television is incorporated into the home. What parents wish for: Grandparents who avoid overindulging, who don't compete with Santa Claus or with each other to win a child's love.

One of the most common ways grandparents wear out the welcome mat is to jump right in with parenting advice. Young parents struggling to find their way are often bombarded with unsolicited opinions from relatives, friends, and even strangers. For a more pleasant visit, don't impose your child-rearing views on your kids. Your willingness to let the parents be the parents opens the way for warm relationships. Unwelcome advice puts parents on the defensive.

If you raise a conversation topic that you know will cause dissension, such as kids benefit from spankings now and then, you risk alienation.

Try not to push, lecture or give unsolicited advice to the grandkids, either. Enjoy grandkids for who they are, one Buffalo, N.Y., mother suggests. There are enough people around them pushing them to be all they can be. She also suggests:

n Have questions to ask the grandchildren. Kids rarely get asked their opinions on things. Questions could be thought-provoking, such as, "What was the first holiday you remember and why'?"

n Be the calm in the storm. This time of year can be hectic. Age hopefully allows for a more philosophical approach to stress.

n Encourage parents to buy tickets to an event rather than presents. "It allows for some one-on-one time without parents and gives bonding time as well as a break for mom and dad," she says.

Other tips: Hosting family during the holidays requires lots of work. Whether you are the host or a guest, nobody should expect to be waited on. Delegate, even if that means using a job chart. When everyone pitches in, the grandkids learn from the adults about family traditions. And the grandparents have more time with the third generation.

n Little kids are unbelievably quick at getting into danger, so it's important to store what's imminently harmful, such as scissors, knives, pills and household cleaners. Put away the one-of-a-kind vases so you can relax.

n It's overwhelming to be around young children when you're used to a quiet house. If little ones get wound up on sugar, too much indoor time and too many presents, even the best-behaved children turn into monsters. Do what you can to help: Don't give extra cookies, take them to the park to run around, or go to your room for peace and quiet. Above all, don't look down your nose and say your kids never did that.

n If you can't be with your grandchildren over the holidays, tape or videotape yourself reading a book, then send the tape and the book to your grandkids. The tapes will keep your voices recognizable to the children. A benefit of little extras such as tapes between visits: Children warm up to their grandparents more quickly when they finally get together

Can you help?

Q: I have a son who is nearly 2. He is old enough to know his out-of-state grandparents who visit frequently. My parents both passed away before I became pregnant with my son, and my only sibling died when I was young. My son is named for my brother. When the time comes, how do I explain to him why mama's family is not around and the significance of his name? I'm afraid he will grow up thinking there are ghosts all around him.

-- A mother in Atlanta

If you have tips or a question, please call our toll-free hotline any time at (800) 827-1092 or e-mail us at p2ptips@att.net. Betsy Flagler, a journalist based in Davidson, N.C., teaches preschool and is the mother of a teenage son.