Q: "My 4-year-old daughter is whiny. It drives me insane. It is one behavior I cannot stand."

-- a mother in Charlotte, N.C.

A: Stop whining!

Mom and Dad might feel better for a second, but shouting doesn't solve the problem. First, change your response: No caving in. No diving into power struggles.

The solution involves understanding what's behind the whining, and showing that whining accomplishes nothing.

Some parents find that hunger, thirst and tiredness are sure-fire triggers to whininess, especially at the grocery store or on other errands. Haul your kids around when they are rested and fed, and they are less likely to whine. Also, they are more easily redirected by such games, as "I spy bananas."

We've all seen how a child learns that if she whines enough, she'll get her own way: She clutches a little plastic pony throughout a store, and her mom tells her she has a dozen at home but lets her carry it to the check-out lane, where the child has a meltdown. Mom gives in to get out of the store.

Some parents have found success with training their kids and going on brief shopping trips with the intention of leaving a store at the first hint of whining.

Before a shopping trip, explain what kind of behavior you expect and the consequence if your child misbehaves.

Follow-through will make all the difference. If your child whines for a toy, take her home. Don't give her a second chance in the store, but tell her she will have a second chance on the next shopping trip.

Don't get into negotiations, and no further punishment at home is necessary after a shopping trip is halted.

Some parents find their kids are whiny when they pick them up from preschool. They keep it together for their teachers but feel more comfortable with their parents and fall apart at the end of the day.

The answer may be quiet time together to help with the transition from school to home. Mom or dad needs to focus attention for at least a few minutes on the child -- no cellphone, no beeper, no texting. Stop multi-tasking long enough to tap into your child's needs.

For some parents, the whining starts as soon as they pick up the phone. Try warning your kids before you make the call to give them a chance to make their requests known before you dial.

Can you help?

Q: "We have let our 5-year-old daughter get into a bad habit over the past 18 months. We drag out the bedtime routine for an hour. How can we cut it back to about 30 minutes?"

-- a father in Mooresville, N.C.

If you have tips or a question, please e-mail us at p2ptips@att.net. Betsy Flagler, a journalist based in Davidson, N.C., teaches preschool and is the mother of a teen-age son. If you have tips or questions, please e-mail us at p2ptips@att.net or call Parent to Parent at (704) 236-9510.