In our If-We-Didn't-Have-Enough-Trouble-Already Department this morning we have the return of "Dog the Bounty Hunter" to the tube -- as in A&E.

As we all know, after he made a racist remark, A&E dropped him from this latest assault on good taste called reality television.

Which is to say that as far as I'm concerned, this kind of stuff that might have offended Attila the Hun. Or even Bette Midler.

I don't know about you, pal, but I don't think Dog is the type of person your Aunt Zelda might invite over for cookies and homemade root beer on the front porch.

She might be expecting a real nice guy in nice Bermuda shorts and she certainly wouldn't be expecting a half-naked moron who seems to need a protracted bath.

Dog's no Steve McQueen

And heaven knows what your Aunt Zelda might think when Dog's wife, Beth, showed up literally bursting out of whatever clothes she was wearing.

I am a gentleman, and I won't speculate on Beth's personal tastes.

I will say, however, that she should go to J.C. Penney and get some more, well, voluminous clothes. A caftan, perhaps? Or extra-large suspender overalls?

Listen. In my day bounty hunters were like Steve McQueen, who wore simple blue jeans and drove an old car. And had a slender sweetheart who stayed at home while he was tackling the bad guys.

Or they were like these people on "Gunsmoke" -- many of whom, with the exception of Miss Kitty -- were fully dressed in clothes they had worn for months and nobody was wearing an earring. For the record, Miss Kitty changed clothes every morning before she opened the bar.

And if Miss Kitty -- who was no pushover herself -- had dressed like old Beth, Matt Dillon might have rode out with the first trail herd that came along.

And Doc Adams might have insisted on taking old Beth's blood pressure -- given her weight.

Sun sets on Dog's back

And if "Gunsmoke" had been reality TV, Matt would have shot Dog and his brothers. Or at least told them to get out of town by sunset.

You know how Matt hated bounty hunters.

And he'd have sent old Beth down to Ma's rooming house until he could turn her over to the proper officials at Fort Dodge after Kitty showed her how to dress for the occasion.

OK, Dog, if I've offended you or old Beth or your brothers you know where to find me.

Just watch out for this very protective boxer we have patrolling our complex at all times.

This dog will bark or whine you to death before you know what's happening.