We spend more time communicating than doing anything else in our lives. Through talking, listening, interviewing, body language and our own private thoughts, we establish ourselves in our personal, professional and social environments. Like many other things, communication occurs in a system of interrelated parts, which means that the way we communicate affects other individuals in our system.

Southwest Socialite What communication skills do you use as a leader? Would you rather meet Big Tom or Gov.-elect Tim Kaine? E-mail Krisha.

We all know people whom we consider to be good communicators. In general, political, community or social group leaders have communication traits that inspire people to accomplish tasks and maintain a good climate in our systems. At a pre-inaugural gala for Gov.-elect Tim Kaine at the Southwest Virginia Higher Education Center in Abingdon, people from all walks of life exhibited how good communication skills are necessary for effective participation in social life.

Party with the politicos (and Survivors)

Before the governor-elect arrived to meet and greet 200-plus Southwest Virginia supporters, AmeriSciences regional director Joseph Cromer and I scanned the reception room for any must-talk-to movers and shakers. Everyone was communicating "style" without speaking. Black suits, crisp collared shirts, colorful diagonally striped ties, evening cocktail dresses and bling accessories. Anyone casual or unpressed would have appeared oblivious to the importance of the event or unaware of what was expected.

Anyone, except for Big Tom. The star from "Survivor: Africa" showed up wearing his signature overalls and trusty cowboy hat. With a big smile on his face and some bourbon in his hand, he told me that fame had not changed him, just his bank account.

Later he said that he had become a spokesperson, an active member of the Virginia Cattlemen's Association and a promoter for reading literacy.

"He's still so laid-back and easy to talk to," said Cromer, who traded stories with Big Tom about the famed Sturgis biker rally and their common passion for motorcycles. "He's still just like everyone else."

Photos courtesy Krisha Chachra Krisha and Big Tom of "Survivor," who told her that fame hadn't changed him.

Like so many successful leaders, Big Tom understands that his actions and communication affect those who live around him. To be a good friend, you need to know how to listen sensitively, express empathy and provide support. To be a good neighbor, you need social skills that allow you to interact pleasantly. To be a good member of the community, you need skills in expressing your point of view and responding to those of others, says communication expert Julia Wood.

System breakdown

People who don't comprehend how their communication affects their systems may cause a major disturbance or change the systems entirely. This was demonstrated when Virginia Tech quarterback Marcus Vick was expelled from the team in part for actions he communicated on the field. The troubling nonverbal stomp echoed a louder translation throughout a system of alumni, disappointed fans and the community that caused Virginia Tech to take a course of action.

"When one of us does something wrong, all of us feel it," said Virginia Tech President Charles Steger at a recent press conference on campus.

Gov.-elect Tim Kaine, flanked by Ranjana Chachra (left) and Krisha, who writes that Kaine was the perfect communicator, giving those he greeted his full attention, but still aware of who was around and where he should move next.

People aren't the only elements of a system that affect interaction. Physical environment and time of day also play a role. For instance, people interact differently in a formal event such as the pre-inaugural gala than they do on a beach, and we may be more alert at certain times of day than others.

Watch and learn

When Gov.-elect Tim Kaine entered the room, one could immediately observe his communication expertise at work. Without missing a beat, he and his wife moved from person to person, making eye contact before they stepped. Shaking hands firmly, Kaine stood perfectly opposite his greeter, giving the individual his physical, undivided attention for at least 15 seconds. Even though he didn't break gaze with the speaker, the noise and his peripheral vision alerted him to who was around and where he should move next. For that moment, his system consisted of all the people around him who wanted to talk, the body language in the room, the music, the multiple topics being discussed with him, the photo ops and introducing his constituency to his wife, Anne Holton, who recently left her position as a juvenile court judge to take on the responsibility of first lady.

Honest Abe's favorite leadership lesson was to communicate clearly and concisely. Lincoln believed that any effective leader had to be able to speak in a way that ordinary citizens could understand. He abhorred jargon, preferring to speak naturally and informally. He worked to create language that brought ideas alive -- vivid words and phrases, concrete analogies and everyday examples.

At this pre-inaugural gala, both Tim Kaine and Big Tom used this lesson to produce the desired effect within their systems of communication. The gentlemen wore completely different attire -- Kaine, a suit; Big Tom, overalls -- and they had different demeanors -- Kaine very formal, calm and introducing his wife; Big Tom loud, jolly and drinking his Jim Beam. But they both created a productive and enjoyable climate and promoted effective communication among all who attended.

With good communicators and good leaders, good times are sure to follow.

Krisha Chachra taught communications at Hawaii Pacific University while writing for the Honolulu Advertiser and has worked as a talk-show host and reporter for public television and radio. Using the backdrop of Southwest Virginia's social scene, her twice-monthly column explores insights on dating, relationships and other issues faced by young professionals.