Q: Is it too early to be thinking about Valentine's Day?

A: We know what the guys out there are thinking: "Male Call, lighten up with the Valentine's stuff. It's not even Groundhog Day yet!"

All we can say is, that's exactly the kind of shortsightedness that led to the renewal of "Newlyweds." Also to the sad scene last Feb. 14 with your then-girlfriend in the Taco Bell parking lot. So all the restaurants were full that night — did she have to fling your gift to her through the drive-up window? That thong you picked out was her favorite color, too — the least she could have done was try it on! Oops, did we say all that out loud?

Anyway, trust us, it's not too early to be strategizing about Valentine's Day. In a moment, we'll offer some simple guidelines about gifts to ensure a fulfilling holiday. Or at least a non-violent one.

But first a word to those guys who may be sans girlfriend at the moment. You're in luck! No, not because you're single — that's just the Boone's Farm talking. You're lucky because you happen to be surrounded by a larger-than-usual number of highly motivated, available women (well, men too, but that's a column in a different newspaper). We like to think of it as the yearly Harmonic Convergence of Dating. It's the temporary glut of singles created when couples, having held on till New Year's Eve so they'd have a date, promptly jettison one another as soon as the fizz has gone out of the champagne. (Sure, fine, think of that as a metaphor for the transitory nature of romance, if you must. But really, to paraphrase Freud, sometimes champagne is just champagne.)

So anyway, speaking of the perversely sex-obsessed, this new-year dumping phenomenon leaves millions of love-starved singles wandering the supermarket aisles looking for someone of the opposite sex to accidentally ram their cart into. (Hey, don't knock it till you've tried it.) And so the race to couple up again by Valentine's Day is on! If you move quickly, the relationship should be just about at the bearskin-rug-in-front-of-the-fireplace stage by V-Day. If you know what we mean. Don't forget the chocolate fondue!

But never mind that right now. Here are a few suggestions regarding one of the more dangerous Valentine's Day minefields: gifts. We've conveniently broken them down by length of relationship, and accept no responsibility for those who venture outside of their own categories. If you do, remember those safety goggles.

Newbies (first four months): Handmade card with little hearts made out of red construction paper, and Hershey's kisses. (Awww.) Or, heck, a re-gifted get-well card and a six of Mickey's Big Mouth. In the newbie stage, it's all good.

Intermediate level (six months to two years): Something shiny. And we're not talking about a Viking range. (That's for the next level.)

Veterans (two years to infinity): Handmade card with hearts made out of red construction paper. Seriously. Recapture the magic! Then after you've both put your clothes back on, you can give her the tickets to Hawaii. (We were kidding about the range. Save that for her birthday.)

Male Call answers questions from men and women on etiquette, relationships, men's style and more. Write to malecall@mercurynews.com.

San Jose Mercury News