Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Scuzzball bills and the like
Luanne Traud
Recent columns
- Keep your butts to yourself
- Expect the best at WBHS
- Lessons from the home front
- From imperialism to a nation of law
From the RoundTable blog
The editorial board in recent weeks has written extensively on some of the important matters before the General Assembly. And we've lent our insight on some of the not-so-important bills, including:
n The telepathetic ... er, telepathic ... bill. Sen. Ken Cuccinelli wanted Virginians, especially "scuzzball reporters," to activate their ESP antennas and know whether someone doesn't want them knocking on the front door.
n The add a new layer of do-nothing bureaucracy to state government bill. This one creates an agency that exists solely to distribute money between small wineries and their customers. And this from Republicans who abhor government's intrusion on capitalism.
n The smoking bill. House Majority Leader Morgan Griffith wants restaurants that permit patrons to light up to post "smoking" signs in their windows. If this one passes, I suggest a companion bill that would play off a fictional character from my childhood. Nosmo King appeared regularly on "Paul Shannon's Adventure Time," but I was fairly old before I figured out the subtle message was no smoking.
So, if Virginia restaurants want to permit smoking and are required by law to advertise as such, let's at least have a recognizable state-issued sign. How about one that introduces "Smo King" -- yellow-toothed, foul-breathed, prematurely wrinkled, portable-oxygen-tank-toting hacker? At least patrons won't be tortured figuring out Griffith's subtle approach to nosmo king.
But enough with those bills. They've received plenty of ink already. Lawmakers are nearing the session's halfway mark and some have gone to all the trouble of introducing bills that have gained far too little attention.
In order to begin to correct this oversight, here's a rundown of a few of my favorites.
I am particularly captivated by Del. Robert G. Marshall's efforts. Not content with his one man-one woman marriage amendment, Marshall's back to make sure that marriages become stronger.
First off, he wants to change the definition of adultery to strike "sexual intercourse" and substitute "carnal knowledge," which he defines with words we prefer not to publish and at least one of which I would have preferred not to look up the definition. But that's beside the point. The point: Adultery is a crime in Virginia, although just a misdemeanor. Unmarried people who engage in such behavior commit felonies.
The expanded definition could be useful in a divorce, especially if Marshall succeeds in doing away with no-fault divorces. Marshall expects spouses will think twice about separating if they were forced to drag nasty accusations into court. Far better for families if warring spouses stay together. Nothing could be more healthy for a child than to live with two bitter parents or to watch them duke it out in court.
Speaking of children, Marshall also thinks every kid -- even one conceived through the use of a sperm bank -- has the right to know his or her daddy. And so to protect the children, he introduced an unsuccessful bill to forbid anonymous sperm and egg donors.
His motivation: "I saw some little black kid who had a T-shirt on that said 'My dad's name is Donor,' and I thought that's pathetic." Someone might want to whisper in Marshall's ear that indeed the message is pathetic, but it has nothing to do with infertility treatments.
Marshall isn't the only lawmaker sticking the state's nose where it doesn't belong. Take Del. Bob Hull, a Falls Church Democrat, for instance. He wanted the state to tell local school boards to tell teachers that they must not tell students that they can't go outside for recess if they misbehave in class. Do tell!
Talk about micromanaging. Think it can't get worse? Let's see what Del. John A. Cosgrove, a Chesapeake Republican, tried. He wanted to make it a crime for "any person to keep, maintain, operate or to visit" a disorderly house. Don't worry, the housekeeping police weren't going to check under beds for dust bunnies, even though they should. He wanted to prevent you from having friends over for the purpose of "indulging in intoxicating liquors, unlawful gaming, or boisterous or other disorderly conduct."
It's a good thing this bill died, as I would have needed to cancel my Super Bowl party.
Other strange bills are floating around. If you'd like to find more, poke around the General Assembly's Web site, legis.state.va.us, or for interactive fun, check out the blog, richmondsunlight.com. If you want to share your favs, e-mail me, and I'll link it on our editorial board blog, blogs.roanoke.com/roundtable/.
Just don't be slamming this bill by Cuccinelli. I like it, even if his colleagues didn't. He proposed removing birth dates from driver's licenses for anyone over the age of 25. This would spare people like me the confusion when a snippy clerk remarks, "I never would have guessed that was your age." Compliment or dis?
With a law like this I would never again be bothered with such a meddlesome conundrum. Seems like as good a reason as any to encourage Cuccinelli to try again next year. That is, if he doesn't mind taking advice from a scuzzball journalist.
Traud is a member of The Roanoke Times editorial board.
