Thursday, May 14, 2009
Rewards are in the home
John Long
Recent columns
From the RoundTable blog
Though I'm a few days late for Mother's Day, I rise today in defense of an oft-ignored, oft-misunderstood, even oft-maligned heroine: the stay-at-home mother.
SAHMs don't often get the attention of society. Corporate executives and congresswomen get the headlines. SAHMs get the runny noses to wipe. But for my money, no one else plays as important a role in society.
I confess to a bias on the subject. I was raised by a SAHM, have five SAHM sisters, and am married to the best in the world. But I am well aware that being a SAHM is not feasible in all families. Single motherhood, severe financial needs, a dad who's been laid off -- such conditions make the SAHM choice difficult or impossible. There's no cookie-cutter formula for how to best raise kids.
So rest assured, I have no intention of disparaging mothers who are in the workforce. I certainly don't suggest that all mothers be forced to stay home, or that all moms with outside jobs are somehow bad parents. It would also be similarly fatuous to assume every SAHM is a wonderful parent, automatically better than her working mom neighbor.
But I do want to express three opinions: 1) Stay-at-home motherhood is a worthwhile calling that pays enormous (nonfinancial) dividends. 2) SAHMs should not be derided as drains on society or sluggards wasting their talents and educations. 3) Leaving the workforce and staying home with your kids carries enough benefits to be worth serious consideration, notwithstanding the inevitable sacrifices that have to be made.
The first point should be so self-evident it needs little exposition. Yet some disagree, generally the same ones who make the second point necessary. A quick Internet search of mom-oriented Web sites reveals what some unthinking people say to SAHMs. Home with your kids? You must have no skills! You went to college to change diapers? Or my wife's favorite: Let her do it -- she doesn't work so she has plenty of time!
More extreme are those who think being a SAHM is a bad choice in and of itself. One writer even asserted that women who stay home with their children instead of pursuing a career "are letting down the team." After all, why would a mature, talented woman waste her life tending to the needs of children who could be suitably day-cared?
No, when you meet a SAHM, congratulate her on making a counter-cultural choice that involved enormous sacrifice for the betterment of the next generation.
Which brings me to making the choice itself. Again, I know some circumstances make it difficult or impossible for mom to stay home. But I humbly suggest that if you've never given it any thought, or dismissed the idea ages ago, take some time to explore the costs and benefits of SAHMhood.
There are certainly costs. One recent study suggested that the stay-at-home parent who relinquishes a career may forgo about $1 million over the years.
I have two friends who are teachers. When their first child was expected, mom considered taking a semester or two off and then returning to her job, with the baby in a quality day care. But as the birth drew closer, and then as she got into the routine of parenting, she realized she couldn't spend hours a day away from her daughter. She would probably miss the first tooth, first steps, first words. She couldn't do it.
Accordingly, she resigned her position and stayed home, soon with a second baby to nurture. Living on one income meant sacrifice, of course: Cable was disconnected, the old used cars went a few more years, leftovers replaced a meal at a restaurant. But both mom and dad agree that they would have it no other way.
And by the way, for you dads, this only works when the father is on board and supportive. Remember, that in the end, she works harder than you do (and needs the occasional break).
Costs, yes. But the rewards are great, too. A fridge covered with excessively crayoned construction paper. Hearing "sorry, Mom" when he realizes he's misbehaved. Being able to drop everything and go to the park because the day is just too pretty to spend indoors. A worthless, absolutely priceless play-dough sculpture on your birthday. The awareness that your kids are growing up knowing that they are your top priority, worth every sacrifice you make.
Because in the end, did you hear of a mother on her deathbed lamenting that she spent too much time with her kids?
Long, director of the Salem Museum and a history teacher at Roanoke College, is a Roanoke Times columnist.
