Thursday, October 16, 2008
English to campaign-ese
John Long
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From the RoundTable blog
I remember my fascination with the first presidential campaign in which I could vote (1984 -- Reagan vs. Mondale). I was transfixed by the debates, the press coverage, editorial arguments, etc. But with each successive election since, I've become more jaded. Not that I'm less interested. But the campaigns now go on for so long and descend into such irrelevancies that I find myself wishing we could vote and be done with it. Please, no more commercials that end in "and I approved this message."
One reason for my annoyance is that most of a modern campaign -- by either party -- is aimed at a person I don't understand: the undecided voter. I always know for whom I will vote, but apparently others have trouble making up their minds. Meanwhile, statistics indicate there will be an unusual number of first-time voters this year. Chances are they haven't yet become as jaded as I. Let me speed up the jading process with a quick guide to interpreting campaign-ese.
WARNING: What follows is political satire. Readers with no sense of humor should proceed no further. The author has no time for lengthy e-mailed diatribes by politicos with unpokable ribs.
"My opponent means more of the same. I stand for change." Translation: If my opponent wins, I stay in my same old rectangular office. If I win, I change to that fancy one with no corners.
"In my administration, fat-cat corporate CEOs won't get to take enormous bonuses at the expense of the working poor." Translation: There aren't very many of those guys, no one likes them, and they weren't going to vote for me anyway.
Fat-cat lobbyist: any special interest representative who supports my opponent.
Concerned citizen: any special-interest representative who supports me.
"In my administration, the federal government will provide you with x, y and z." Translation: In my administration, You will be forced, on penalty of jail time, to pay for x, y and z whether you like it or not.
"My opponent voted six times against protection of cute little kittens!" Translation: My opponent voted in a subcommittee against an 850-page omnibus spending bill which mentioned, unknown to him because who reads these monsters, cute little kittens in one paragraph on page 487, but which he opposed because it did not yet include a favorite pork barrel project for his state.
Bipartisanship: When Republicans act like Democrats.
Obstructionism: When Republicans act like Republicans.
Hell frozen over: When Democrats act like Republicans.
Negative campaigning: when my opponent says anything about me.
"My opponent is mischaracterizing my record!" Translation: My opponent has said something true about me I wish he hadn't.
"Can't we get back to the issues?" Translation: He's still saying it!
"Such and such has become a distraction." Translation: We botched something.
"My campaign made an error in judgment." Translation: We really botched something.
"Today I have accepted the resignation of ... " Translation: We really, really botched something.
"Today we are returning the inappropriate campaign contribution of ... " Translation: You can't imagine how thoroughly we botched something. Alternate translation: I can't believe we got caught!
Hard-working, middle-class Americans: you.
The rich: anyone who makes more than you.
The working poor: anyone who makes less than you.
"My tax plan will not raise your taxes one dollar." Translation: I remember what happened to Mondale when he admitted that taxes would go up in his administration.
"My tax plan will raise taxes only on rich corporations." Translation: You will pay for my tax plan, since corporations never pay a dime in taxes; they pass the costs on to the consumer in higher prices.
"We must keep America strong for our children." Translation: Someone is going to have to pay for these massive deficits we're racking up!
"I concede." Translation: Only about seven months before people start talking about the campaign of 2012.
Long, director of the Salem Museum and a history teacher at Roanoke College, is a Roanoke Times columnist.
