Translating Warner's speech

Last week, Gov. Mark Warner delivered his State of the Commonwealth speech, in which, not surprisingly, he took credit for what he called Virginia’s “restored fiscal integrity,” while assuming no responsibility at all for the additional tax burden he imposed on every Virginia family, burden that was based on fraudulent budget numbers.

In fact, the speech contained so many half-truths, distortions and clever cover-ups that, in addition to having someone render the speech into sign language for the deaf, he should also have had someone translating the spin phrases into real English.

The bad news is, Warner lacks the character and courage to do any such thing.

The good news is, I’m here to do so. Here is the definitive translation of Mark Warner’s speech, more or less in the order in which he gave it.

“Whether our service members are fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan, or in the heart-wrenching devastation in Southeast Asia, they serve in the highest traditions of this nation.”

Translation: I’m running for national office in three years, and I saw what the Swift Boat ads did to John Kerry. So I’ll get a head start on pretending to respect the military now.

“My budget continues to provide in-state tuition for children and spouses of military service members stationed here in the Commonwealth.”

Translation: And to show how much I love the military, I’ll let them pay in-state tuition, if they live in state. Just like we give to regular people who live in state! How magnanimous is that?

“Let me take a moment to recognize the three most important people in my life: my wife Lisa and our three daughters.”

Translation: Since I am running for national office, you’d better get used to seeing a lot of my relatives in the public eye.

“Tonight, I have invited representatives from the Virginia National Guard, and from the first-responder community to join us in the gallery.”

Translation: My idea of honoring the Virginia National Guard is to use them for a cheap opportunity to glom onto their applause. Also, I’m going to ask for more money for them.

“We cut the size of the state workforce. We consolidated agencies. And we brought sound business practices to state government.”

Translation: We raised taxes and got away with it. Also, by the time I’ve talked about raising taxes again this evening, most of the TV and radio audience will have stopped listening.

“Our Partnership for Achieving Successful Schools is raising student achievement among those children most at risk of failure…. With your support, we have remained steadfast in our commitment to the Standards of Learning.”

Translation: Let’s see if we can’t make people believe that it was my administration, and not George Allen, who brought accountability and excellence to Virginia’s public schools.

“I’m not going to rehash all the arguments we made last year on taxes, and I’m going to spare you that infamous PowerPoint presentation of mine.”

Translation: I’m not eager for anyone to remember that my PowerPoint presentation had false and misleading budget numbers in it. Also, my staff absolutely refused to try to teach me, again, how to do a PowerPoint presentation.

“Tax reform affirmed a basic value that Virginians live by every day, which is that we pay our bills and keep our commitments.”

Translation: Last year, I discovered that Virginians were paying bills to people other than state employees, and I set out to change that. That’s my idea of keeping a commitment.

“Every family understands the value of putting aside extra money when times are good.”

Translation: And thank heavens for it; otherwise, we would not have anything to steal from them!

“Wall Street reaffirmed Virginia’s Aaa bond rating less than three weeks after the budget was enacted.”

Translation: This occurred just about the time the REAL budget figures leaked out, which was just after it was too late to do anything about the tax increase.

“On a single day last November, we were able to announce that more than 11,000 new jobs coming to the Commonwealth.”

Translation: That’s the good news; the bad new is, most of those jobs will be with my presidential campaign exploratory committee.

“As Will Rogers once said, 'Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.' ”

Translation: I recently learned how to Google, and “Will Rogers” was one of the first phrases I tried! Pretty cool, huh?

“Let me conclude where I began: talking about our men and women in the Virginia National Guard and our public safety officers.”

Translation: Let’s see if I can glom onto their applause again.

Of course, I don’t want to leave the impression that Warner never said what he meant last week. In at least one sentence, we are able to take him at his word. “We will not – as some have advocated – retreat from what we accomplished [with the tax increase] last year.”

There is no need to translate that.