Zapped

We had an immense thunderstorm this week. One farmer lost three of his cattle when a bolt from a cumulonimbus turned them into instant barbecue.

As some of the old timers around here say: "They got 'lexicuted'!"

Not that farmers haven't tried to prevent losses when the skies turn dark. Driving backroads you see many an old house or barn sporting an array of lightning rods.

Despite what everyone tells you, the purpose of a lightning rod is not to attract lightning or even channel lightning to the ground. Think about it. Why would anyone WANT to attract a streak of energy that produces temperatures approximately four times that of the surface of the Sun? Do you think a mere metal rod could withstand THAT? The average lightning strike supposedly discharges more energy in one bolt than all the electrical output of all the generators in the world working simultaneously. If lightning directly strikes your house, it's toast ... lightning rod notwithstanding!

Lightning rods neither disperse lightning nor do they necessarily deflect the bolt away from the house. Lightning rods are designed for the sole purpose of dissipating static ground charges into the air, thereby PREVENTING lightning from striking.

The lightning will instead seek a greater ground to connect with. A cow, for instance.

Every so often some meteorological concern issues checklists on how to behave safely during storms. If you're outside and suddenly notice your hair standing on end, then you are likely in the direct path of a lightning strike. Don't run or lie flat, they tell us. Instead, kneel while balanced on the balls of your feet.

To this day I have never understood why you should kneel if you suspect lightning is about to strike. I assume it's for fervent prayer because that's about all that's left to do unless it's to contort a little further and kiss your about-to-be-flash-fried behind goodbye.

Everyone seems to have their own customs when it comes to storm safety. One lady tells me that their mother made them put on shoes and sit on the couch until the storm had passed.

I also know people who sit in their cars during a storm. Popular belief is that the rubber in the tires will provide a ground and you'll be safe. Again, my lightning rod argument. When an unstoppable bolt of energy decides to hone in on me would I rather be in a well-grounded house or in a tiny, metallic vehicle equipped with a tank of extremely flammable liquid ? If I believed in the rubber tire argument I would underpin my doublewide with used radials.

I have long argued this point with electrical engineers and they have repeatedly tried to set me straight. They assure me that tires are not what protects a human being in a vehicle. It is the metal shell that creates a barrier for the energy to travel around. You are reasonably safe assuming you are not touching anything metallic.

In this modern era, the fear of storms seems almost quaint. We have lightning arrestors, surge protectors and all sorts of gizmos at the ready when Zeus sends down a greeting to us mortals.

During one potent thunderstorm my phone jack suddenly exploded and showered me with slag and sparks. The sheer electromagnetic pulse from the nearby bolt was also enough to fry the circuit board on my heat pump. It was then I realized that no so-called "surge protector" was ever gonna stop that tsunami of electrons when it came raging through. Say "adios" to the toaster, Ma! It just got lexicuted!