It's all relative

Last Christmas I got the neatest little book entitled "Pocket Ref," the "Ref" stands for reference. It's basically a trivia manual for tech heads.

With this amazing tome you can find everything from currency exchange rates to calculating friction loss in different types of pipe. But the tidbit of info that satisfied my greatest longing was the Table of Consanguinity.

The Table of Consanguinity is a method for determining the relationship between people descending from the same ancestor. This settled, once and for all, the question of what separates a second cousin from a first cousin once removed.

For too long had I wondered what a "once removed" cousin was! For years I had dealt with theories that it was just a fancy way of saying your relative was from another species.

Let me sum it up in a tidy package! My first cousin's children are MY first cousins "once removed." But they are second cousins to my children. My first cousin's grandkids would be my first cousins twice removed but to my kids they would be second cousins once removed! The term "removed" is used when cousins are from a different generation.

Armed with this new wisdom I set out to convert the heathens. All I had to do was wait for an opportunity. Just so happened my mother-in-law mentioned a certain family relation. I asked exactly how this person was related. She explained that it was her second cousin. After further questioning I conveyed to my mother-in-law that she was wrong. The person in question was not her second cousin but was, instead, her first cousin once removed because it was her first cousin's daughter.

She told me I was very much mistaken. In these parts, she maintained, this was how it was done and how it was going to remain. Her first cousin's grandkids would always be known as third cousins instead of first cousins twice removed.

And if I didn't like that then I could just "once-remove" myself from her house.

But these bloodline determinations are the easy part. Fun situations such as double first cousins make all of the armchair historians rub their chins. Pretty soon you are dealing with more "begats" than a half-dozen Old Testaments. Have fun trying to research your gene pool around here, pal!

Ever hear the old song "I'm My Own Grandpa?" Listen to it sometime! This catchy ditty explains the identity problems encountered when step-relatives intermarry. More than a novelty tune, this is reality!

I figured there must be some place I could sermonize on the significance of "consanguinity." I think I finally found it at The Heritage Swap at the local VFW. This annual event is hosted by the Carroll County Historical Society and the Carroll County Genealogy Club. It's basically a swap meet for local history buffs. Vendors can rent a table and display their wares. Interested family recordkeepers can grab a table, open their carefully arranged scrapbooks and introduce the rest of the world to their unruly lineage! Got a famous forefather? Do a little research, take your manuscript to a vanity publisher and sell a few books at the next Heritage Swap!

My favorite display idea? Drag out those memorable tintype photos, post them on a board and invite onlookers to play "Guess Which Ancestors Died From Typhoid." Winner gets their own copy of the Table of Consanguinity!