The heartbreak kid

I turned the big 4-0 recently! No big deal. Not nearly as traumatic as turning 30. My wife showed utmost restraint by refusing to purchase black balloons or put a "Lordy, Lordy, Look Who's Forty" ad in the paper. A co-worker, however, warned me that when you turn 40 your body begins to fall apart. I laughed.

I continued to laugh on up to around Dec. 13. That's when I started feeling uncharacteristically lousy. Pain deep in my arms, pain in my shoulders. It got so bad I went to my family physician who, after a bevy of tests, sent me to Radford to see a cardiologist.

As soon as the cardiologist looked at my EKGs he seemed surprised. He asked some disturbing questions and sent me for blood work and a CT scan. After the tests I arrived back in his office. His nurse walked in with a wheelchair and handed me an aspirin ... not a good sign. The cardiologist came in and said, "Mr. Jennings, you have just suffered a major heart attack!"

Upon hearing that I almost had a second one. I said, "That's impossible! I should be the LAST person to have a myocardial infarction." He agreed it made no sense but he had to admit me and begin immediate treatment.

Here's the cute part: I have never smoked, drank or done drugs, and I am a happy, fairly active guy with no family history of heart disease. Plus, I have always had a freakishly low cholesterol count. It's fun being a medical anomaly! Why did it happen? I told you. I just turned 40! Why put it off?

I had spent the weekend preceding the heart attack performing in our church's Living Christmas Tree program. Ironically, I had a scene where I played an old man. One of my lines was, "I have been sick to my heart." Is that a self-fulfilling prophecy or what? Next Christmas my character is gonna say, "I just won Lotto South."

This being my first hospital stay I made mental note of all the wonders of medical incarceration. Things did seem a bit morbid at first. A nurse asked me if I had a living will. I didn't but I agreed I would get started on one right away. I was then asked if I was an organ donor. I responded, "Everything but the heart."

Then they gave me some morphine and suddenly the world seemed a lot cheerier. The worst pain I endured was when they started pulling the adhesive EKG patches off my chest. Note to self: the next time I go to the hospital, first bathe in Nair.

They told me I had a "woman's" heart attack. That is I felt the pain in my back and arms instead of my chest. See? I can't even have a heart attack like a man. I was starting to get angry at them for saying that but I was afraid they would blame it on PMS.

They shipped me off to Roanoke Memorial the next morning for further loss of dignity. After a Speedo-worthy shave they finally came around to perform my heart catheterization. Before the fun started they gave me a Valium. The assistant later laughed, "No one has ever reacted to a Valium the way you did! You were loopy ... but appropriate." I liked that. It was the first time I had ever taken a tranquilizer. Personally, I don't recall acting any different than I usually do. That's what really scares me.

They injected dye and did their exploration. And guess what they found lurking in my ticker and surrounding arteries? NOTHING! No tumors, no blockages. Clean as a whistle. They were shocked! It was finally determined that I had a condition where cardiac spasms cut off the blood flow. They gave me a medication to prevent the problem. Plus, they gave me a spray bottle of nitroglycerin just in case I need faster relief.

I headed home after a couple of days. When I got back I was told of a rumor that I had died. Apparently, I had told someone that I was getting dye injected into my heart and through the wonders of the Hillsville grapevine it became, "He died." Lovely. You would think death rumors would be the easiest to dispel. Think again.

Having three weeks off gives a man a lot of time to think. The thing I kept wondering about was what type of fun I could have with a lighter and my trusty spray bottle of nitro. If one of my future columns is ever entitled, "Todd Takes A Trip To The Burn Unit" then you'll know.