The government we deserve

In this election season, never have I seen the local populace more polarized. Or eager to vote.

I always get out to the polls before sun-up. That way I won't have to deal with pamphlet pushers and their futile attempts to sway my vote. Unless those pamphlets are two-ply, don't be handing them to me. How about showing me something useful like a pamphlet explaining the constitutional amendments that I will supposedly be voting for this time?

Stepping into the Dugspur Rescue Squad Building on Election Day is a lesson in local bureaucracy. I think fewer people were involved in the Manhattan Project. They have no less than three people at the registration table when I show up. Despite my local notoriety they still demand proof of my identity.

Why would anyone want to impersonate ME?

Next they cross-reference the voter rolls to be sure I am eligible. Then they hand me an official slip of paper to allow access to the voting booth. I then travel a whole three feet to where the booth manager, who has watched me through the entire process, stands. Satisfied that I haven't magically switched bodies along the way, she extends a hand for my official entry slip. I would love to pull some sleight of hand and pretend I lost the slip on the long trip over. I guarantee I would get patted down and detained.

If the officials are correct we will soon be at the mercy of electronic voting booths. As if things weren't bizarre enough. I know people who have never owned a VCR and are still leery of those newfangled touch tone phones. Can you imagine how much time these people will take when they freeze up in the voting booth?

I've always wondered if there's a time limit at the voting booth. Could several people could create a voting booth filibuster? Occupy the booth till the official voting time was over and keep opposition from getting in to vote? Thus far I haven't seen a time limit posted. What do you want to bet that future electronic voting booths will have a time limit built in? "Please complete voting process within the next 60 seconds or this machine will return to default settings and automatically vote for Alfred E. Newman."

Arcane voting customs are bad enough but there are few things more frustrating than dealing with an uneducated voter. One genius casually bragged to me, "I'm gonna vote for George W. Bush because he's gonna win!"

I've also had these same people tell me that citizens who don't vote should be forced to vote. Take a look at the nations that have 100 percent mandatory turn out and see how idyllic THEIR existence is.

On the other side are the educated voters who love to scare us by attributing some mythical, collective significance to the casting of "just one vote." As if any president was ever elected by a single popular vote. They also say, "If you don't vote you have no right to complain." Wrong. It's your right as an American to complain no matter what or how hollow it may sound.

I'll be so glad when this election is over. Maybe then I can read the daily letters page and see editorials dealing with important issues like snakehead fish and pot holes.