Monday, January 05, 2009
To Thai with love
Nona Nelson, The Happy Wag
Read Nona's blog, The Happy Wag:
Recent columns
To: Thai, the cat
From: Nona Nelson, personal assistant to Thai, the cat
Re: Quarterly performance review
Thai:
I thank you for my recent quarterly performance review, which you delivered by prancing and purring on my keyboard while I was wasting time yet again on the computer. I always appreciate your feedback.
I've put some thought into the points we covered and offer this course of action for performance improvement:
n I must apologize for my continued inattentiveness to your food dish. I know you prefer it to be filled at all times, and I have neglected that many nights this quarter. I am embarrassed that you have to remind me of this error by stomping on my head and chest while I am clearly sleeping on the job. I will do better going forward.
n As to your suggestion that I groom you with your favorite brush at least once an hour, I am afraid that won't be feasible at this time as I do have to leave the house each day to earn money. It's just a fact of our failed economic system that I have to trade hours of labor for bags of Iams Indoor Cat Hairball Control Formula.
And yes, I learned my lesson. I will never again attempt to fool you with Iams Weight Control Formula. I know you are just fluffy. And the hairball you hacked up by the front door? A good visual reminder for me. Thanks.
n I promise to address the "closed door" issue you mentioned. I often forget and thoughtlessly close the bathroom door when I enter, denying you the access you need to adequately supervise me. I will be diligent in leaving the door cracked just enough that you can have access with a simple head butt.
n I will prepare the correspondence to the White House as you asked, suggesting that the Obama family abandon the puppy adoption idea and instead put a superior creature, a feline, back in the Oval Office. I should have the first draft ready for your review before the inauguration.
If, however, the president-elect and his family should decide against your wise advice and proceed with the puppy adoption, I don't think we should suggest they adopt our puppy. Please see the next bullet point.
n We should address what you referred to as "the smelly mutt situation."
I took your proposal about "canine relocation" under advisement, and I am afraid "the pound" is already filled with homeless dogs, and it would not be in the best interests of the community at this time to take our trio there and "dump and run."
Besides, as a flawed human, I must admit I am rather fond of the pooches, including the "blockheaded" puppy. I think he's just playful, but I promise to have him tested for mental deficiencies as you demanded.
n I suggest we continue our present course of "canine re-education," and I feel confident that eventually all three dogs will indeed cower to your greatness, respect your authority and recognize you as the supreme alpha pet. As you pointed out, the canine learning curve is steep and thus I beg your patience.
Again, I thank you for your attention and for continuing to allow me to be in your life. Please don't hesitate to let me know how I can be of service to you.
How silly of me. Of course you won't hesitate.
