Politically incorrect Christmas gifts to avoid giving this year

In the final days of Christmas shopping for 2004, I offer a guide to conscientious givers about what not to give loved ones. First, we’ll review politically incorrect toys for children, and then we’ll review thoughtless gifts for adults.

If, like last year, some of you don’t realize this is a joke, I’m letting you know it right up front.

Politically incorrect toys for children

Pokemon Virtual Trainer Master Quest – These are not really politically incorrect. They are just bad news. Stay away from any Pokemon electronics device, as they are implanted with chips by the Japanese government that send subliminal messages to your children that encourage them to buy more Japanese toys because they claim they are superior to anything made in the USA. The messages also tell children to join unions when they grow up and ask for inflated wages and complete medical plans (that include botox injections), so that U.S. companies will always have trouble competing with the non-union Japanese workforce.

GI Joe Marine Force Recon Paratrooper or any other GI Joe action figure – I don’t care how cool their weapons look, these toys promote aggressive behavior in young boys (like they aren’t aggressive already) and teach them that violence is the solution to solving problems. George Bush Sr. probably gave George W a GI Joe doll when he was growing up. Now look what it’s gotten us into!

Baseball, basketball, and football cards, action figures, and bobble heads – These are all representative of the oppression of single sex sports, especially at the college level. I know there are women’s teams, as well, but they are kept separate from men’s teams, and that won’t do. Also, there’s a lot more money in men’s sports than women’s, and that’s unfair. Of course, that’s driven by market forces, not by sexism – but don’t let that stop you from criticizing it.

Princess Barbie or any other Barbie doll – Where have you been for the last 10 years? Barbie’s curvy and slender physical dimensions (although toned down in the past few years) have been shown to be unrealistic, and many claim she provides a bad role model for young girls, leading them to eating disorders to try to attain the “Barbie look.” I don’t quite understand how an 8-inch piece of plastic serves as a role model for girls instead of their mothers, but what do I know – I’m just a man. Frankly, I would have thought that eating disorder lawsuits would have put Barbie out of business years ago.

Educational toys: computers, science kits, microscopes, etc. – Your kid may actually learn something from these gifts and get ahead of the rest of his classmates and make them feel less smart. This would be wrong and unfair. It would also skew the grading curve.

Despite all these bad toys, there is a solution. My politically correct pick of the year is the Sponge Bob Squarepants doll. This gift is perfect in so many ways, I’m not sure where to start. For those who don’t know, Sponge Bob is a cartoon character. He’s a talking household sponge with arms and legs, and he wears pants and a tie.

He has no race or ethnicity, so we can consider him the ultimate in multicultural. In fact, he can change “skin” color, depending on whether he is dry and yellow, soapy white, red from spaghetti stains from cleaning last night’s saucepan, or green and moldy from staying moist for too long.

He is also the perfect shape. As far as sponges go, you really can’t tell if he’s skinny or fat, so there are no unrealistic expectations about body sizes to drive children to starve themselves or try to build bulky muscles.

He’s also not too expensive, so all socio-economic classes can afford him. For those without a lot of money to spend (including me), you can make your own Sponge Bob with a household sponge and two black olives for eyes (these will have to be replaced periodically as they will develop mold – or “cataracts,” as I call it), and a tomato wedge for a mouth. I know it works, because that’s what all my nieces and nephews are getting this year, and the supplies to make eight dolls only cost me $3.46. That includes replacement eyes for 3 months (keep them refrigerated).

Thoughtless gifts for adults

There are two really big no-no’s in this category, and that’s about it.

Fruitcake – Everybody knows this by now, but somebody is still giving fruitcakes out as gifts. Kroger and Food Lion and Wal-Mart are stocked with these every year, which means some thoughtless person is buying them up and giving them away.

Jewelry – This has to be the most insensitive gift of all. Any guy who gives a woman jewelry is just a jerk. He makes his male buddies look bad to their wives and girlfriends (sometimes both).

How are they supposed to keep up? By the time Christmas Day rolls around and she calls all her girlfriends to tell them about her new three-carat necklace, all the stores are closed and there’s no place for the guys to buy anything and recover gracefully.

This kind of insensitive behavior is cause for ending a friendship. And if he gives an engagement ring while he still has single friends (like me), that’s cause for one hellacious beating. (Let this serve as your only warning.)

Hint: Guys, always keep a cubic zirconia necklace in your drawer for emergency situations such as these. That investment of $39.95 is well worth it, and she won’t know the difference unless she has it appraised. It’s worked for me twice already … I mean, I heard this works, although I would never, ever try this myself to deceive my own girlfriend.

Never.

Ever.

Really.

Good luck with your last-minute holiday shopping! And, if my suggestions have helped you in any way, I accept cash gifts (the ultimate thoughtful gift!)