Barnie Day was a Democratic delegate from Patrick County from his election in 1997 through the 2001 session. A former county administrator and business owner, he is now a banker. Center of Virginia's political universe Zell Nation In this game resides immortality A cheap lesson, as lessons go Moore at GMU ... and more ... and more Ham-handed in Lynchburg Older Barnie Day columns Join A Discussion Reprint Email this Article

Monday, November 22, 2004

TO: Rev. Jerry Falwell

FROM: B. Day

I’ve been mulling over your proposed Faith and Values Coalition, and think it is just the thing to help us forget war, poverty, unemployment,lack of health insurance, $2-a-gallon gasoline, and such. It’s just what the country needs: another smokescreen.

If you want to register 10 million Republican voters, "Faith and Values" is okay, but for it to take real ‘holt’ -- as we say out here in the western part of the state -- you’re going to need a catchier name.

Jim and Tammy had PTL (Pass The Loot) and your buddy Pat’s got the ‘700 Club.’ So we’re going to have to come up with something else. And I’ve got it!

"Rev-J’s 105,000!"

I’m telling you, Rev, this one will lay Moral Majority in the shade. This one will become iconic. And it came to me in an inspiration! No foolin’!

All I did was Google the words "indicted Republican." Got 105,000 hits on it. The good Lord does work in mysterious ways, doesn’t he?

You’ll have to have a board of directors. You don’t have to do all of this by yourself! Don’t you see? I’m helping! I’ve been working on this part, too!

No, Jim and Tammy can’t be on the board. We’ll put them in charge of reservations. And maybe accounting. And no, Jimmy Swaggert’s got talent that would be wasted on the board. He can run the procurement arm of the operation. And, no, not Rush Limbaugh. But he’ll be perfect for the prescription drug program.

I’m thinking more of folks like Ollie North for the board. All he did was hold his hand up to God and swear a lie to Congress.

And Newt Gingrich would be a good one for the Faith and Values board. His extramarital involvement with that congressional aide may have cost him the speakership, but that’s the kind of faith and values leadership we want and this country needs.

Same with Republican Bob Livingston, who followed him to the speaker’s chair -- and out the same door -- for nearly the same reason.

And how ‘bout the former Republican congressman from Georgia, Bob Barr? Let’s see. What was it? I remember now. Infidelity and lying under oath about an abortion. Your buddy Larry Flynt outed him. He’d be perfect.

And how about Jack Ryan, the Illinois Republican who dropped out of the Senate race after his ex-wife made such a stink out of that sex club thing? He’d be good. He likes performing in public.

And think about Republican Senate Majority Leader Tom Delay. He might not quite measure up. He hasn’t been indicted himself, but three of his tops aides were. Just recently, too.

And let’s not forget the homegrown, local talent. Virginia’s a regular Republican garden in that regard. Vance Wilkins would be a lock for any ‘faith and values’ board. He’s got time to do it, too. And former Virginia Republican Party Chairman Gary Thompson’s got some time on his hands. I’d say he’d be good. He’s got the right credentials. He’s been indicted. And I would recommend Ed Matricardi, the former executive director of the Republican Party of Virginia. Sure, he was indicted. But you’re going to need somebody with his communications skills, which he has. And, hey, he’s a good listener, too.

Rev, I think you’re on to something. Rounding up 10 million folks for your faith and values outfit will take some doing, but hey! You’ve got your base! It’s ready made! Indicted Republicans! Who could possibly know more about another ‘faith and values’ scam that the folks who wrote the book on it?