Sunday, December 20, 2009
Metro columnist Dan Casey: Danos celebrate glaring stupidity
Dan Casey is The Roanoke Times' metro columnist.
dan.casey
@roanoke.com
981-3423
Dan Casey
Recent columns
- There's a slip twixt cup, lip for Roanoke coffee shop owner
- 82 years of food fit for the King
- At work, on floor, in life: Rick Schmitt had all the right moves
Read Dan's blog
We are handing out a new award today, sponsored by yours truly.
It's called the Dano, and it celebrates stupidity. The panel of judges (me) is an expert on this subject. Just ask my wife.
But I am not the only dimwit. In our gorgeous and somewhat isolated region, there is no shortage of idiocy, and that demands recognition.
So herewith I present the Dano Awards for 2009.
In the category of Most Prolonged Whine by a Local Politician, the Dano goes to Roanoke Mayor David Bowers, who in April threw an on-camera pity party for himself while complaining about all the mean and rotten tricks city council had played on him.
"Well, first the council, um, took away my local mileage reimbursement, although every employee of the city gets it.
"They uh, cut their salaries in this budget crisis, but mine was cut more than theirs.
"And now they want to eliminate the position of the mayor's secretary."
If Bowers remains true to form, he will be angling for a fat pay raise this upcoming spring, plus additional benefits like mileage. That may earn him a 2010 Dano, too.
The Dano for Sponsor of the Dumbest State Law (enacted) should not be in question. That goes to state Sen. Ken Cuccinelli, R-Fairfax County, our soon-to-be attorney general.
Cuccinelli's law (which Gov. Tim Kaine sensibly vetoed, which the General Assembly stupidly overrode), allows people to demonstrate their handgun competence by taking a one-hour streaming video course online, followed by a grueling, 20-question true/false and multiple-choice quiz.
Because of that law, I was able to get a Virginia concealed carry permit even though I had never touched a handgun in my life.
Thank you, Sen. Cuccinelli -- both for the permit and the great column material.
It may seem hard to believe, but there were some even less intelligent bills introduced in the legislature that never made it through. The Dano for Dumbest Attempt at State Lawmaking goes to Sen. Emmett Hanger, R-Augusta County.
Hanger sponsored the bill that would have allowed people with concealed carry permits to take their hidden guns into bars. Where they wouldn't dream of using them (they promise).
Fret not though, handgunners. That law seems like a sure bet to be the dumbest enacted next year.
The Dano in the category of "Who? Me? Conflict?" goes to city Councilman David Trinkle.
Rather late in the game, it occurred to the good psychiatrist/restaurateur/commercial landlord that it's not exactly kosher for a sitting council member to seek city approval for millions in tax-exempt bonds to renovate a downtown building he owns.
Trinkle finally came to his senses and withdrew that application -- after his own council colleagues began calling him out in public on the potential conflict.
In the category of Dumbest Action by a Law Enforcement Official (elected), can there be any doubt as to the winner?
Roanoke Sheriff Octavia Johnson runs away with that Dano, for her defense of target practice with living, breathing humans on the firing range.
That happened in April, and it got the city forever kicked out of the joint city-county police shooting range in Glenvar. It almost cost Johnson her job, too. She was barely re-elected in November.
"Would I allow it again? We would have to look close at the whole situation," Johnson said at a news conference. Then she finally caved and called a halt to the insanely stupid practice.
The Dano for Street Crime Enforcement by a Law Enforcement Officer (unelected) was deservedly earned by Roanoke Police Officer Reinhold "Bill" Lucas.
Back in May, Lucas doggedly fought to keep the citizenry in the "Arts Capital of the Blue Ridge" safe from those dangerously funny performance artists down on the Roanoke City Market.
He manhandled, handcuffed and arrested Katherine Gwaltney, who (with some others) participated in the "Must-See TV" exhibit by pretending to watch a blank TV screen for five minutes outside the City Market Building.
Charges against her were later dropped. In terms of law enforcement, Lucas' action was a big fat fail. But the video was unintentionally hilarious.
The Dano for Book Salesman of the Year goes to the father of the William Byrd High School student who knew something must be up when he found his 16-year-old son (gasp!) reading. That is always a danger sign, you know?
One day in October, the dad grabbed that must-be-subversive tome and within seconds expertly searched Google and found all the dirty parts in "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."
Then he lodged a complaint with a right-wing Web site, which incited a Fox News furor, which made that 1999 novel fly off the bookstore shelves.
It's difficult to award the 2009 Land Grab Dano, because it's unclear who deserves the honor. All we know is, somebody's trying to seize 3 acres over on Reserve Avenue that's owned by Jay and Stephanie Burkholder. But who? And why?
The Roanoke Redevelopment and Housing Authority says it's trying to condemn the land for Carilion Clinic. Carilion says those housing commissioners must be crazy -- they don't want that land and never did. Right.
So I'll give the award to the Burkholders, who say they never wanted to sell their land, which cost $168,000 and for which they were offered $1 million, in the first place.
The Dano for Town Government Grinch goes to Arnold Dillon, the ex-Rocky Mount council member who embarrassed that town's government into cutting its almost unheard-of annual employee Christmas bonus from as much as $700 to a flat $125 in these tough economic times.
Not a bad idea, really. But imagine those employees' chagrin when Roanoke County supervisors jumped into the bonus game late this year. They upstaged Rocky Mount by approving $500 checks to all full- and part-time county workers. Go figure.
Last but not least, the Hoisted by his Own Petard Award, and Dano of the Year, goes to none other than Roanoke's loud-mouthed Nazi landlord, William A. White. That guy is a piece of work.
A U.S. District Court jury Friday ruled the leader-in-his-own-mind had crossed the line from fair comment to criminal threat in a nasty and racist e-mail, telephone and Internet campaign against black people and others with whom he disagrees.
Whether or not you believe White committed any actual crime, or that he should or shouldn't have been held without bond since his arrest, you've got to admit one thing.
With White locked in the federal pokey awaiting trial for the past year, it sure has been a more peaceful and harmonious Roanoke Valley.
That's it for 2009, folks. I'll be entertaining your 2010 nominations in less than two weeks!
