Dan Casey is The Roanoke Times' metro columnist.

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Dan Casey

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With all the crowd-control and revenue-pumping measures they're taking, you'd think Ronald Reagan or Elvis or the Pope himself would be attending Sarah Palin's appearance at a Valley View Mall bookstore Sunday.

Most notable is the wristband system those tricky Barnes & Noble folks have devised to ensure that nobody who doesn't buy Sarah's book from their company will get even a chance to schmooze with Palin the Great.

It's worse than what you have to go through to buy beer at a Salem Red Sox game, you know?

Below are the Barnes & Noble "rules," followed by a handy translation from yours truly.

The company says, "We are expecting a very large crowd for this book signing, and in order to accommodate as many people as possible, we ask that you note the following:"

* Line passes/wristbands will be handed out on a first-come, first-served basis beginning at 6 a.m. Sunday. Translation: Get your butt out of bed early if you want to see Sarah.

* You must be present in order to get a line pass/wristband. Translation: You can't get one the day before, so skip church!

* You must present your ORIGINAL Barnes & Nobel or bn.com receipt for "Going Rogue" in order to get a line pass/wristband. Translation: Tickets for Sarah's appearance are $17 plus change (and tax). You cannot bring your receipt from Walmart, where the book costs $14.50. So don't even try, cheapskates!

* One line pass/wristband will be issued per person. Translation: If you've purchased two copies and a friend wants to come along, make sure you get separate receipts.

* A maximum of two copies of "Going Rogue" will be signed per person. Translation: Please buy more, but don't expect much, OK? Her hands will already be aching from the Rochester, N.Y., signing Saturday night.

* No memorabilia will be signed -- only the book, "Going Rogue." Translation: This is to sell books, you dummy. She will not sign the caribou sausage you brought home from that Alaska cruise but are afraid to eat, so don't even ask.

* Please make sure a parent or guardian accompanies all minors. Translation: Sarah loves children. She has five, you know? But she doesn't like them alone -- like she is leaving her kids for this book tour.

* No posed photos or personalization of books. Translation: For $17, you think she's going to let you pose for a picture with her? Or make the effort to scrawl your name? Are you crazy?

* No bags will be allowed through the signing line. Translation: Sarah is so pro-gun that her state allows concealed carry without any sort of permit -- but we don't trust you Virginia gunners.

* Cellphones and cameras will have to be turned off and put away before customers approach the signing table. Translation: For $17, you think she's going to let you take your own picture of her? You must be a Tea Partier or something.

* A line pass/wristband does not guarantee a signed book or entrance to the event. We will do our best to get as many people through the line as possible. Translation: Even if you buy the book from our company, and show up at 6 a.m., and skip church, and don't bring a gun, and don't lose your place in line going to the bathroom, that doesn't necessarily mean she's going to sign your copy. Tough!

* Customers with line passes/wristband who leave the line for an extended period of time will have to rejoin it the line at its end, wherever that may be. Translation: Make sure you've got a whale of a bladder, or bring a bed pan for your bathroom breaks. Otherwise you're going to end up at the back of the line somewhere over by Roanoke Regional Airport.