Thursday, May 21, 2009
Metro columnist Dan Casey: Virginia is definitely not for incontinents
Dan Casey is The Roanoke Times' metro columnist.
dan.casey
@roanoke.com
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Dan Casey
Recent columns
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Read Dan's blog
It is time to retire Virginia's venerable tourism ad slogan, "Virginia is for Lovers," which turns 40 this summer.
What was once sexy and naughty is today about as worn out as your average bordello madam. Besides, it discriminates against those who, by choice or circumstance, are not exactly loving it up these days.
We here at Casey's Discount Ad Agency have come up with something much more newsy and factual, a finely tuned egalitarian motto to grab both the sex-mad and the celibate.
Even Del. Bob Marshall, R-Prince William County, the legislature's Prude Caucus chairman, couldn't object to this one: "Virginia is for bladders."
Big, expanding bladders, that is.
Giant, balloonlike reservoirs that can hold enough fluid to douse a respectable campfire, or deice a small plane.
If you've got one of those (you know who you are), Virginia is absolutely, positively for you.
In case you've been holed up in a bathroom or somewhere else for the past four months, here's how we know: The Virginia Department of Transportation is planning to close down 19 of its 41 interstate highway rest areas. (It could have been worse; until Wednesday, the plan was to shutter 25 rest areas.)
Slated for closing are seven of the 13 (already) distantly spaced out rest areas on Interstate 81.
Can you hold it, just for example, for two or three hours while you're driving north on that highway?
Almost 200 miles! You're awesome! This commonwealth is for you. Collect your Bladder King (or Queen) T-shirt as you exit the state -- at one of our few remaining rest areas.
If you have one of those walnut-sized bladders, though, Virginia is against you.
Way, way, way against you. We want you to shudder at the thought of visiting.
Everybody at VDOT, where big bladders are a job requirement, is laughing crazily imagining you behind the wheel, with a panicked facial expression and tightly squeezed legs.
"Virginia is for bladders." Don't you think it has a nice ring?
There are a few wrinkles we haven't quite ironed out yet back here at the ad agency.
One is the image -- that big red heart. What would replace it?
A big yellow pool might be a bit icky, given the topic. A giant toilet? Nah.
We can't use anatomical drawings -- they're a huge ad industry no-no.
So just in case this doesn't fly, we need a backup slogan.
I will entertain all your ideas on those. We'll print the best in a future column, then take votes to anoint a winner.
Virginia is for (fill in the blank). What's your suggestion?
Take your best shot, in an e-mail, a phone call, or on my blog. Explain to me why it works. Both brevity and humor will win you big points in this little contest. Include your names and contact information.
The grand (and only) prize is a soon-to-be historical artifact: A "Virginia is for Lovers" T-shirt, any size you want.
Here's one suggestion to get those creative juices flowing:
Given the demographic of the average lawmaker in the gas-tax-hating Virginia House of Delegates, perhaps we could go with "Virginia is for prostates."
That would reel in those tourists, eh?
Shamy gets his say
Note to readers: I recently asked Ed Shamy, an ex-Roanoke Times columnist and Virginia's long-departed but still-reigning Highway Bladder King, for his thoughts on VDOT's plan to close many of the commonwealth's interstate rest areas. They are below.
Whoever is propagating this outrage is clearly math addled. And under the age of 40.
And blessed with a bladder that measures its capacity in imperial gallons rather than fluid ounces.
If they go ahead with their plan, I say they ought to hand out Depends (registered trademark) adult diapers to motorists at Winchester and Bristol.
Twenty-two rest areas dotting Virginia's 42,769 square miles? Do the math! That's one pit stop every 1,994 square miles.
Hell, your odds of taking a leak in private are better on Mars than they would be in Virginia!
Given the steady graying of the population and the associated shrinking of bladder capacity as we age, this "cost saving" would fly in the face of common demographic sense. Who came up with this idea, Dick Cheney?
And don't give me that "private sector," hooey -- about how we can always pee at one of Virginia's many full-service interchanges. How long before every Pilot station and McDonald's catches on to the state's lunacy and starts reinstalling pay toilets?
This is as bad an idea now as it was way back when I was griping about it. Maybe worse. Because I'm older and more than ever before need my frequent rest areas.
