Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Caregiver at the breaking point
Dr. Michael Camardi
Recent columns
About Dr. Michael Camardi
Dr. Michael Camardi is a geriatrician at Carilion's Center for Healthy Aging. Age Matters is his new Roanoke Times column, appearing the third Tuesday of every month.
Camardi has been with Carilion for about three years and was one of the experts who reporter Beth Macy spoke to for her series, “Age of Uncertainty.” He wanted to start this column to help answer questions he’s often heard as part of his job.
Camardi was founder and past medical director of the geriatric liaison program for Jacobi Medical Center (Albert Einstein College of Medicine) in Bronx, N .Y.
Camardi trained at Winthrop University Hospital (Stony Brook University Medical School), where he was chief medical resident. He has received numerous commendations for his contributions to education, patient advocacy, community relations and hospital administration.
If you have questions for Camardi, please mail them to him at Center for Healthy Aging, 2118 Rosalind Ave., Roanoke, VA 24014, or e-mail them to extra@roanoke.com with “Age Matters” in the subject line.
Dear Dr. Camardi,
I bet you get this all the time, but I've just had it with my mother. I can't do it anymore. She has dementia and I just can't get any rest.
I quit my job to see after her and it was all right in the beginning, but now it's like a job that doesn't end. It's just all the time about watching her and doing for her. I want to put her in a home just to get away from her. And nobody but nobody wants to help in my family.
I'm mad, I'm angry and I'm tired. What in heaven am I going to do with her?
I feel so guilty all the time because I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do and I can't stand myself and that I start to hate Mom for being old and sick.
I love her and I owe her so much but all this is just killing me.
-- Roanoke
I hear you and I really do understand. I sense that you have what I call "empathy exhaustion."
You have emptied yourself out psychologically and more than likely physically in caring for someone who is completely dependent upon you. You have tried to make everything "just right," if not perfect, and you feel so sorry at Mom's plight that it breaks your heart just to look at her.
Because of that, you feel you can't do enough for her. So, you worry and obsesses about everything to the point where you are constantly projecting problems in the future that have not happened yet -- and may not happen.
If this describes how you feel, ask yourself how I could describe it so well? The answer is that I've had it too, and so have many doctors and nurses I've known over the years.
As our population ages and children take responsibility for their parents, it's a scenario that gets repeated over and over again.
What I suggest you do is simply focus on what you can control and realize that you will figure out a way to deal with the unexpected in due course.
I'm lucky in that when "empathy exhaustion" happens to me, I talk to my wife, who is a nurse, and when it happens to her, she talks to me. Therein is the key message: You must communicate your feelings with a pastor, the physician in charge of your mother's care, and friends, or these feelings will turn into a sense of inadequacy as well as a sense of isolation.
The attitude of your family is quite unfortunate. It is from such situations that if and when things take a turn for the worse, families with this attitude are the first to second-guess, harshly criticize and harbor unreasonable expectations from everybody.
When asked where were they when they could have made a difference, the answer is usually somewhat disingenuous. The result is that you may feel victimized and the bitterness may take years, if ever, to heal.
So try to involve them by inviting them for family meetings with Mom and give them frequent updates on her status as well as yours, for she is their mother, too.
Their response may be lukewarm, but at least try for their sake, as later on their pain at not being there for you and Mom can be a heavy burden to bear.
The next item you should address is to do something just for you every single day. You deserve it and you need it.
For example, when Mom is sleeping, instead of doing chores, watch that show you missed or call your friend just to gab. Go shopping online or do whatever will nurture that good person inside of you who is trying so hard. In doing this, you'll recharge those "psychic batteries."
Failure to do this one thing will make you less effective as a caregiver, lead to self-pity and leave you angry and frustrated. Take care of yourself so you can take better care of Mom.
Finally, let's take a deep breath for a moment and consider this: Caring for Mom is not WHO you are -- it is WHAT you do.
YOU are a kind and caring person. YOU are a person of great moral courage. YOU are a person who deserves our admiration and appreciation.
WHAT you are doing is preserving the preciousness of life in the best way you know how, in a situation in which you have been abandoned.
YOU are a hero.
