Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Grieving wife must learn to balance reality, hope
Dr. Michael Camardi
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About Dr. Michael Camardi
Dr. Michael Camardi is a geriatrician at Carilion's Center for Healthy Aging. Age Matters is his new Roanoke Times column, appearing the third Tuesday of every month.
Camardi has been with Carilion for about three years and was one of the experts who reporter Beth Macy spoke to for her series, “Age of Uncertainty.” He wanted to start this column to help answer questions he’s often heard as part of his job.
Camardi was founder and past medical director of the geriatric liaison program for Jacobi Medical Center (Albert Einstein College of Medicine) in Bronx, N .Y.
Camardi trained at Winthrop University Hospital (Stony Brook University Medical School), where he was chief medical resident. He has received numerous commendations for his contributions to education, patient advocacy, community relations and hospital administration.
If you have questions for Camardi, please mail them to him at Center for Healthy Aging, 2118 Rosalind Ave., Roanoke, VA 24014, or e-mail them to extra@roanoke.com with “Age Matters” in the subject line.
Dear Dr. Camardi: I don't know where to start. It's my husband and he's got liver cancer.
We've been to all the doctors and they've been really good and have taken their time and explained everything. And they tell him he's going to die soon and they ask him how he wants things to be done and all. He just sits there and nods his head and says nothing.
But every time we come home he asks me if he's going to die. Every time. It's like he's not listening. I can't tell him what they said, like they said it, and I don't have the heart to tell him the truth. But he wants me to tell him. It saddens me to no end. Tell me what to do.
-- Roanoke
I understand what you feel, but I'm not so wise in the ways of you and your family that I can tell you what to do.
Believe me, you'll find your way, in time, to do what needs to be best done. What I can do is give you some thoughts from my experience.
The shock, fear and uncertainty surrounding this phase of life is simply overwhelming. It is the ultimate crisis and there is no textbook to guide you.
It may be difficult to hear this, but when many people get this type of news, they tell me that things that are important to you and me are not important to them and they begin to wait to feel what it's like to die. Their world has been turned upside down. Others feel frozen, almost stuck in time. Some feel energetic enough to live life in the fullest to the very end. And there are those who will fight to find a cure to their last breath.
While this is a time for the reality of truth, it is also a time for the maintenance of hope to allow for acceptance. Yes, I have seen miracles, events that have no explanation other than the very fact they happened.
I have stopped trying to explain them decades ago; now I just stand in awe. Understand that what you are seeing is in response to dealing with the unknown.
As to what to say, realize that over the years as I have been faced with these terribly difficult moments, for all the times I have planned what I would say, they never play out as I envisioned them.
The minute I start to talk, my instinct takes over and I say things completely different from what I rehearsed -- and it's always better.
Each situation is unique, but the old adage "we die as we live" is quite true. What that means is that as death approaches, if you lived as a hopeful, positive person, you'll face death in the same way.
If you were an angry person, you'll face death with anger and so on.
One thing I am convinced about, however, is that we intrinsically know in our deepest selves that our being is coming to an end in this plane of our existence. And the process of coping with that reality begins from within.
I would ask you to sit down with the three or four people who know your husband best -- family, friends or pastor -- and talk frankly about it. Do not face this alone. Gather with these people to get a sense of the person your husband is and use that as a guide in communication with him.
When the time comes, use plain, clear language without cliches. Speak the simple truth. Then tell him what can be done and will be done to make him as comfortable as can be. Very often the person will ask for a time frame before dying and I can say to you that I've been wrong as many times as I was right in predicting the time of a person's death.
Don't worry about putting up a good "front" or "not wanting to cry for him so I can be strong." This is about you also. Please be kind to yourself.
Someday, you and I and all of us will walk to this same crossroad. Walk softly, walk gently as you take him by the hand in peace. Pray.
Let your good and natural instinct take over and talk to him from the gentleness and peace of your heart. Godspeed.
Dr. Michael Camardi is a geriatrician at the Carilion Center for Healthy Aging. His columns run on the third Tuesday of each month in Extra.
If you have questions for Dr. Camardi, please mail them to him at Center for Healthy Aging, 2118 Rosalind Ave., Roanoke, VA 24014 or e-mail them to extra@roanoke.com with "Age Matters" in the subject line.
