Ben Beagle

The aging, semi-hysterical retired reporter rides shotgun with the greatest station wagon driver of them all down the rocky road of life. Mondays in the paper's Extra section, steady as she goes.

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To the Congress of the United States of America and the sitting president of these same states:

Greetings:

Hi. It's Little Bennie here, telling you about how I tried to use the 1,200 big ones you sent us to revive the economy.

I was really going to buy some nice alligator shoes to heat up the shoe industry, but I was told these shoes don't go all that well with ill-fitting cargo shorts that tend to fall off of your body.

I also had in mind one of those lounger chairs -- the kind with the platform that lifts up for your feet -- but things didn't go so well.

That is, the brakes on the 1998 Bravada -- which got stuck in the snow the first time I tried it -- went bad and there went a good portion of the $1,200.

I think I'm safe in saying that the guys down at the garage spent whatever profit there was on groceries.

I still had a few bucks left when I got this letter from the Medicare drug insurance people that said I didn't have a whole lot of spending to do until I fell into this hole after which you have to pay full price for your drugs.

You can understand that I thought it wise to put some money aside for this disaster.

As an aside here, ladies and gentlemen, I wish to say that it was a dark day when I signed on with this program -- in those blissful days before I knew what a "formulary" was. And that I hope the drug companies are happy.

I am known as a frugal person -- certain members of my family have been known to call me El Cheapo -- and I still had a modest amount left.

I was planning to spend a portion of that on some new T-shirts that have this neck that doesn't roll up and you always look like Brett Favre when you wear them. If you don't shave.

But the heating oil budget bill came about that time, and I saw that it had increased almost 100 percent. You may be cheap, but you can't let your wife and your dog freeze to death, and I had to keep a little reserve.

The T-shirt market and Brett Favre will just have to wait until things get better -- as Mama used to say during the Great Depression.

I took what was left over and put 5 gallons in the Bravada and bought a popular candy bar. Which, I hope, will please the Nestle people and your average oil speculator.

Best wishes,

Bennie

Ben Beagle's column runs Mondays in Extra.