Monday, June 30, 2008
Rachael Ray strikes terror into the hearts of donut-heads
Ben Beagle
The aging, semi-hysterical retired reporter rides shotgun with the greatest station wagon driver of them all down the rocky road of life. Mondays and Wednesdays, steady as she goes.
Recent columns
Let's think of Rachael Ray.
Could this cutie who wears hip huggers and runs around the kitchen making 30-minute meals that she eats herself with enthusiasm be in the camp of terrorists?
Well, old Rachael did this online commercial for Dunkin' Donuts in which she wore this scarf that a lot of Eastern types wear and all of these ding-dongs complained that Rachael was aiding and abetting terrorists.
So Dunkin' Donuts cancelled the ad.
I mean, the poor dear wasn't exactly wearing a sweatshirt saying: DEATH TO AMERICA.
It just seems to Old No. 36 here that people can wear what they want to. I wear my black-and-orange Bobcat T-shirt out to the mailbox all the time and anybody who has any nasty comment is walkin' on the fightin' side of me.
Appetite for destruction
It's not clear to me why certain geniuses in the advertising business put the scarf on Old Rachael. Why not a nice little conservatively fitting nice low-cut T-shirt saying: "I LOVE AMERICA." Or: "I VOTED FOR DUBYA BEFORE THE SUPREME COURT DID."
Such T-shirts with messages like that would be much too big for Old Rach's physique, but work with me here, okay?
Come on. Rachael may be good with knives cutting up vegetables and things like that but I don't think that qualifies her as national menace.
Is she going to overcome the national security people with her own recipe for liver and onions?
I take that back. I know Rachael. I know that she would rather rent her own airplane and fly it into the headquarters of her own television channel than to have a recipe like that.
Hey. I know that Rach has taken her share of abuse and she does get a little too cutie-putie at times but she isn't likely to undermine her government.
("Cutie-putie." Just don't forget that you read this here first and I am not terrorist trying to destroy the English language. Rach is just "cutie-putie" if you are paying a vestige of attention here.)
She's no Martha, thank goodness
And what about that kind of fleshy online woman with a Southern accent that makes you wish you lived in Westwood, NJ?
Boy. We'd all be interested in seeing her in hip-huggers, y'all, and she may be a clear and present danger to good government.
I'll just mention Martha Stewart here as an example of some of the ditsy things Rach doesn't do -- as in making clever Arabian horses out of cantaloupe rinds and burning enough votive candles to alarm Al Gore.
Besides, Martha in hip huggers might be a threat to good government.
