Monday, June 09, 2008
Check's in the mail?
Ben Beagle
The aging, semi-hysterical retired reporter rides shotgun with the greatest station wagon driver of them all down the rocky road of life. Mondays and Wednesdays, steady as she goes.
Recent columns
OK, for all you who have been watching "The Andromeda Strain" on TV without falling asleep, I've got another terrible disease to report.
I personally liked that disease flick called "Outbreak" that starred Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo.
Boy, if you want to see someone who can look sexy after nearly being almost dead, check out Rene.
Anyway, I have the sad duty to report another disease that Hillary Clinton never dreamed of. It's not the kind of thing you want to talk about when you go to the emergency room.
This is not called PAD or COPD or SAD. It's called WFMR -- which translates as Waiting For My Rebate.
Depressing thoughts
Hey, don't worry, pal. This is not like PAD -- which all of us who watch TV too much know is peripheral artery disease that can take you to the Other Side before you know what's happening.
WFMR seizes you every time some cruel friend comes by and says: "Boy. I got my rebate, and I'm out of here to heat up the economy and save us all from a another Great Depression. Hail to the really smart president and the ever-wise Congress of the United States!"
If you didn't have WFMR already, you'd probably tell this foul ball that there's a lot of evidence that we're already in a depression of sorts.
Which is to say that you haven't seen the sheriff setting anybody's furniture out in the street in the rain yet.
Please, Mr. postman
But, no. You ignore this mallet head and continue to run to the mailbox every day expecting one of those cute checks from the federal government.
They have watermarks and everything.
And the family is troubled by this manic behavior and calls an intervention conference.
And the eldest kid says: "Well, he looks like a real loony to me. I think we ought to restrain him until the mailman goes by. And take his car keys away. Did I tell you that we already got our rebate?"
And the youngest kid says: "He used to hold me on his shoulders at the Christmas parade, but that was before rebates. But the other day he shook his fist at the mailman -- which probably is a federal offense. I've got my rebate, too. Let's commit him."
And the middle kid says: "Right on. So he used to take me to Boy Scout meetings on Friday nights when he could have been drinking beer. My rebate's here."
And their mother says: "Hey, it's up to you kids. Use your rebates wisely."
