Monday, May 12, 2008
Forget the Democrats, money is my primary concern
Ben Beagle
The aging, semi-hysterical retired reporter rides shotgun with the greatest station wagon driver of them all down the rocky road of life. Mondays and Wednesdays, steady as she goes.
Recent columns
All of you people who are worrying about gas and grocery prices had better start worrying about what is going to happen to the economy and the major television networks when the Democratic primaries are over in South Dakota on June 3.
I guess they're going to be over, but I wouldn't bet on it, pal. Anyway, I prayed last night that they would be over.
We all know that praying doesn't help in politics a lot, but you've got to do what you can.
Many handsomely paid women and handsome men will be out of jobs because there won't be anything to report or comment on.
OK. So Wolf Blitzer will still be around -- unfortunately so in the minds of many middle Americans -- but we're talking about a major loss of consumer spending here.
Fill 'er up to the max
This is serious, my friends. By this time in June most of us will have spent that extra money those morons in Congress gave us to fend off economic disaster and will be out picking up coal on the railroad tracks, except there won't be any coal.
And we'll have all these people with perfect elocution to feed. And I'm pretty sure it's hard to feed elocution people. They're not likely to want to stand in line at soup kitchens.
And providence only knows what we'll be spending for gas in June.
I went to fill up the other day and nobody in the convenience store noticed that I fainted and that my dog Max barked for help.
That Max. He's the only boxer in the world who can read gasoline pump meters. They go past 25 bucks and when I faint, Max barks.
My helpmate -- aka the Greatest Station Wagon Driver of Them All -- went to Kroger the other day and admitted she got scared and didn't put all of the grocery list in the basket.
Listen, we're talking about a real supermarket pro who's seen them come and go for more than 50 years -- long before anybody ever dreamed of a Kroger card.
How's Lisa? Well, fair
Anyway, to return to our original worry, you have to think of somebody like on-the-scene Lisa Dubois, who does political commentary and is bombarded with questions by this woman with great legs who is safe in the studio.
And who seems to know everything, including the fact that she has great legs.
With the primaries gone, Lisa will go on welfare. After the anchor job on a TV station in Mouth of Wilson fell through.
Excuse me. I'm going to see if there's any diesel fuel left on the railroad tracks.
