Monday, May 05, 2008
You have to be patient when you're a patient
Ben Beagle
The aging, semi-hysterical retired reporter rides shotgun with the greatest station wagon driver of them all down the rocky road of life. Mondays and Wednesdays, steady as she goes.
Recent columns
I have always tried to be of service to the reading public -- such as it may be in my case -- and today I'd like to leave you with some tips for surviving in the various waiting rooms that are part of the national health care system.
Forget it, Hillary, there's nothing you or Smiling Bill can do about this.
I mean, a waiting room -- whether it has nice French art on the walls or nice plants in nice crocks -- is a waiting room.
Which means that you are a patient and you have to be patient while you're waiting in the waiting room.
If you're hearing echoes here it's my fault and don't blame that new drug you just started on -- which, if you read all the paper that comes with it, one of the effects makes you act like Sir Lancelot and this can be disturbing to other members of the family.
Ben's rules of patience
But to our rules on behavior in the waiting room:
n Be nice. Get a copy of Business Week out of the magazine rack and sit there like you understand everything you're reading.
You can also choose Garden Week and make the guy who has this deep, rasping cough think you know something about growing stuff.
n Don't be aggressive, as in putting down Business Week and scowling at the innocent receptionist whose father at that moment is probably having a heart transplant in a hospital across town.
I mean receptionists are people, not patients, and they probably know more about Medicare benefits than you do.
Other tips
n Try to have conversations with fellow waiting room wretches, as in talking about the time you had shingles. You'd be surprised at the number of waiting room people who have had shingles.
n No matter how strong the urge is, do not whistle tunes from old musicals, such as "Camelot," to pass the time. Most patients and receptionists don't appreciate this kind of behavior any more than your wife and your dog do when this happens at home.
This applies especially to receptionists whose fathers are going thorough open heart surgery.
n Don't throw down an August 1999 copy of a certain sports magazine that runs pictures of nearly naked women and pace grimly around the office. This upsets elderly women who are waiting for a mere flu shot. Don't tell them you've already got a flu shot at your neighborhood pharmacy without waiting in a waiting room.
n And stay well and stay out of waiting rooms.
