Monday, April 21, 2008
A money-back guarantee to spur the economy
Ben Beagle
The aging, semi-hysterical retired reporter rides shotgun with the greatest station wagon driver of them all down the rocky road of life. Mondays and Wednesdays, steady as she goes.
Recent columns
All right, friends, you know what good Americans should do when they get that extra money next month from the government to help the economy.
You're supposed to go raging into the markets and buy things that will heat up the economy -- as in that John Deere mower you've always wanted but aren't sure you know how to operate and your wife doesn't like.
Hey. Don't put the money under the mattress yet.
Don't worry that a recent two-month fill-up of heating oil cost as much as it used to for the whole year.
Go ahead and buy that new computer that works so fast you can get into your bank account in milliseconds to make sure some evil person hasn't stolen your identity.
Add $3,400 to what you're getting from the government and have the entire floor of your country kitchen replaced with a new design that your wife will hate after the new surface is all down and impossible to get up except by a major fire.
The ghost of Tom Joad
Let's forge on here, my fellow Americans, and realize that we may be relatively safe from terrorists but the gasoline bill is killing us -- and more and more we think of the security of the mattress.
You may want to spend this money from Washington as a down payment on an in-ground pool -- if you can afford the water to fill it.
Economists agree that investments in swimming pools have long been known as stimuli to the economy.
Hey. Get all those images of soup kitchens and desperate men selling apples on street corners out of your minds.
And forget about Henry Fonda and Jane Darwell in "The Grapes of Wrath."
You're going to have big bucks in your pocket, good buddy, and go do the town and get this economy stuff straightened out.
Go put a down payment on a Humvee with a cocktail bar and forget about the price of gas. And take your Chickie Baby on a visit to Las Vegas.
And lose your shirt -- which you probably would do anyway if you stayed home and mowed the lawn for your Aunt Zelda.
T for taxes
I'll go my own way, however -- remembering that I'm probably not agile enough to get seated on a John Deere mower.
Old No. 36 here is going to use the federal government money to pay his real estate taxes to the local government of Roanoke County.
Don't mind me my fellow Americans, so get out there and buy.
And after that: You get your street corner and I'll get mine.
Ashley Tisdale remakes 'Teen Witch,' revisits mall
Ashley Tisdale has big post-"High School Musical" graduation plans, and it doesn't involve college.
The 22-year-old will star in the revamp of United Artists' "Teen Witch" as well as executive produce a project about the mall for the Disney Channel, according to The Hollywood Reporter.
Tisdale will take the Robyn Lively role from the 1989 film "Teen Witch" in which an unpopular girl discovers she's descended from the Salem witches and then uses her powers to get back at the snobby girls that shunned her and to win the heart of the captain of the football team.
The untitled mall project is based on her earlier life working at the mall, but Tisdale has no plans to star in it. This will be in keeping with her bid to do more producing by entering negotiations for a one-year first-look deal with "American Idol" company FremantleMedia North America.
'Beverly Hills' bound? Jennie Garth exits CBS pilot
Jennie Garth has exited the CBS comedy "My Best Friend's Girl," causing many industry wags to suggest her next stop may be The CW's update of "Beverly Hills, 90210."
According to The Hollywood Reporter, Garth and the "My Best Friend's Girl" cast had a table read on Monday and they reached a mutual agreement to part ways.
Producers have moved quickly to cast Kristin Booth as the new female lead.
"My Best Friend's Girl" focuses on a pair of best friends whose bromance becomes complicated when one guy (Tim Peper) starts dating his buddy's (Josh Cooke) ex-wife (Booth).
But what of Garth?
There have been widespread reports that the "Beverly Hill, 90210" spinoff's original scribe, Rob Thomas, was hoping to have Garth return as Kelly Taylor. Thomas, busy with two ABC pilots, has stepped out of his role as driving creative force on The CW pilot and it's unclear what new showrunners/scribes Gabe Sachs and Jeff Judah would have in mind.
Jerry O'Connell checks into Fox's 'Inn'
The chunky kid from "Stand by Me" is getting out of the "Carpoolers" lane and checking into "The Inn."
Jerry O'Connell is moving from an ABC ensemble comedy to a Fox comedy, joining Niecy Nash in what keeps being described as an "Upstairs/Downstairs" look at life in a ritzy New York hotel. According to The Hollywood Reporter, O'Connell will play the manager at the hotel.
The cast of "The Inn" also features Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Molly Stanton, Jolene Purdy and Brando Eaton.
