Ben Beagle

The aging, semi-hysterical retired reporter rides shotgun with the greatest station wagon driver of them all down the rocky road of life. Mondays and Wednesdays, steady as she goes.

Recent columns

• Forget the Democrats, money is my primary concern
• You have to be patient when you're a patient
• Never fear, Ben's strapped in!
• A money-back guarantee to spur the economy

I have just discovered via the Internet that there are such things as nude cruises.

I guess you have to put your clothes back on if you want to go ashore and buy something nice for your Aunt Zelda, but that's up to you.

Just don't send Aunt Zelda any pictures.

And don't forget that certain cruise boats have recently had a tendency to wreck or make people kind of sick.

You don't want to be wrecked and sick with no clothes on. Or do you?

Dressing down for dinner

This idea also raises certain questions of etiquette.

That is to say what if the captain invites you to dinner at his table and you haven't a thing to wear?

Will the captain be wearing his coat with those gold epaulets? If he doesn't have any clothes on, get the first officer -- if he is fully clad -- to make sure there aren't any icebergs in the vicinity.

And listen, pal, don't get any ideas about seeing Kate Winslet running around without proper clothing on the quarterdeck. Kate doesn't do nude cruises as far as I know.

And that goes for that wuss Leonardo DiCaprio also.

No dang cummerbunds

You have to admit there are certain advantages to such cruises and I guess they should be obvious.

If you don't have to wear any clothes, you don't have to go to one of those rental places to hire a tuxedo.

The coat of which is too short and the pants of which tend to be in danger of falling off -- despite this device from hell called a cummerbund.

And you don't have to wear those shiny black shoes -- the slick soles of which tend to make you slip and fall down at very bad moments. Like when you and your bride are leaving the church in a rice shower.

And never mind the bow tie and that funny collar that turns down on the ends and makes you look like an actor in bad '30s movie.

But who am I to preach? Except to say that a less expensive way to get naked around the water is to go skinny dipping.